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Archive for December, 2009

Handmade Christmas Ornament Swap #1

Saturday, December 12th, 2009

In an effort to start holiday traditions for our family, I am participating in two handmade ornament swaps this season.

The first was with our friends from my local attachment parenting forum. I met this group of friends when we first moved back to Kansas City in the fall of 2007, right before we had Kieran that December. These women have seen me through every high and low of becoming a mama. When we brought Kieran home from the NICU and I was too exhausted to cook, they brought me home cooked meals. When I was frustrated and frantic because Kieran had a poor latch and was a lazy nurser, they helped me figure out how to nurse him successfully. I have called various members when Kieran fell and got his first huge goose egg, when I have been overwhelmed with life and needed an extra pair of arms to help me regain my sanity, when I have needed someone I trust to watch Kieran for an hour or two, and when I just need a listening ear. We see several of the families two Saturdays a month when we all gather for dinner – it’s our way of creating a “village” so that we and our children can have lifelong connections. These families – all of the families on this forum – have been one of my primary sources of strength in the last two years. I am so blessed.

Here are the precious ornaments we received from our parenting group friends. The time and creativity each woman put into her ornament is amazing. Starting on the left, thank you to Tonia for the puffy snowman, Jill for the gingerbread man, Christina for the beaded ornament, Tracy for the knit glass ball, Karen for the button snowman, Andrea for the longies, Jill for the stocking, Melody for the upcycled Merry Christmas CD, Allison for the Christmas tree, Liz for the personalized glass ball, Jenny for the crocheted ice skates, and Kyle for the crocheted Santa Claus hat.

kcap swap

I can’t wait to see the ornaments that our family has made – we will swap with them on December 13th. And because I am keeping the ornament we made a surprise from my family, I will wait to post pictures (and a how-to) until after the family swap.

Posted in Miscellaneous | 2 Comments »

Kieran’s Second Year

Friday, December 11th, 2009

I started to suspect that my water was leaking on the morning of December 10, 2007. I met Tom for an early lunch, and we gaped at one another – astonished by the fact that the previous 37 weeks was going to culminate in a baby – over plates overflowing with Mexican food. We must have thought that a baby conceived in the green chile capital deserved to have one last spicy in utero sendoff.

My midwife confirmed that I was in labor at 3:00p.m., and I headed home to pack a bag. We also had to get power of attorney paperwork notarized so that Tom could make medical decisions in an emergency. At that point in the afternoon the midwife was unsure of whether we’d be able to birth at the Birth Center, since an ice storm was scheduled to hit the city by nightfall. (She later relented under duress – my tears might have had something to do with that.)

Because of the storm, Tom and I decided to spend the night at the Birth Center. The Center is thirty minutes away from our house on a good day, and we didn’t want to get stuck birthing in a hospital because the roads were too bad to drive.

Our midwife demanded pizza as part of her payment for staying at the Center all night. While sitting in the car and waiting for Tom to pick up dinner, I finally felt a contraction that gave me pause. I don’t remember what it felt like, but I do remember laughing nervously: “so this is what I’ve gotten myself in to.”

My birth coach stopped by for a bit to walk, laugh, and pray that I would progress. She left at 10:00p.m., and then it was just me. The midwife had gone to bed, and Tom was under the influence of cold medicine. I watched the minutes tick by, rocking with the blossoming pain and staring out the window at the ice accumulating.

The power blinked off at some point, and I felt incredibly isolated without the normal whir of heaters and appliances and the glow of the bathroom light. Due to Kieran’s posterior position, the contractions finally started to take my breath away around 2:30a.m. and I woke Tom. He held me, half asleep and fully loopy, and we rocked together in the pre-dawn darkness.

All I kept thinking as we listened to transformers blow all over the neighborhood was, “please let the power come back on soon so I can climb into the birthing tub!” Thankfully, we got power back and I was in the tub by 8:00a.m., not too long after active labor started.

After that, my memory is blurry. Although I’d been trying to stay hydrated, my midwife began to get very concerned about dehydration and exhaustion on Tuesday afternoon. She talked to us about an IV several times and suggested Stadol to help me get some rest. Out of exhaustion and fear, we decided to try it sometimes after 3:00p.m. It was a worthless gesture – the half dose of Stadol did nothing except make me groggy for about thirty minutes.

Both before and after the Stadol, my midwife had me push. In retrospect, I don’t think I was ready to push much before 6:00p.m., but my midwife was nervous and had been contemplating a hospital transfer.

The little I remember from that afternoon is summed up in this: Tom laughing because I sounded like Louis Armstrong passing a kidney stone, and Tammy laughing because the midwife asked her to do some nipple stimulation to strengthen my contractions (Tom slept on and off, otherwise I’m sure he would have jumped at the chance. Lord knows it would have been the last time he saw those babies – he and my nipples wave a friendly hello every once in awhile, but Kieran has since staked his claim).

After what seemed like a small eternity, Kieran crowned, and I got to feel his head. I was woefully unimpressed.

I finally delivered our stubborn son face up, looking right at us – it was the first of many times since that he has looked at Tom and I with an expression of “what the #(%*?”

And so began our journey as parents. We’ve practiced now for two years, and judging from the way Kieran wakes up every day and smiles at us, he seems to think we’re doing an ok job.

Posted in Kieran, Pregnancy & Birth | 6 Comments »

Kieran’s First Year

Thursday, December 10th, 2009

At about 12:00p.m. on December 10 two years ago, I realized that my water had, indeed, broken.

So began 31 hours of labor.

I can recall the faintest scraps of that first 24 hours in vivid detail . . .

-a red light that lasted for an eternity on my way to see the midwife. I finally ran it and giggled hysterically at the thought of some poor police officer pulling me over;

-hushed and hurried conversations with Tom about the best place to labor. An ice storm was moving in and we didn’t want to get stuck delivering at a hospital (our birth center was 30 minutes away on a good day). We ended up going to the birth center around 7:00p.m., well before active labor started;

-the first contraction that felt like much more than a menstrual cramp: I was sitting in the car waiting for Tom to pick up a pizza. I don’t remember what it felt like, but I do remember laughing nervously (“so this is what I’ve gotten myself in to”);

-a steady progression of pain which resulted in absolutely no sleep. I sent my birth coach home around 10:00 after time spent  walking, laughing, and praying that I would progress. In most of the wee hours of that night, it was just me – rocking with the pain and staring out the window at the ice accumulating. The power blinked off sometime that night, and I felt incredibly isolated without the normal whir of heaters and appliances and the glow of the bathroom light. When the contractions finally started to take my breath away around 2:30a.m., I woke Tom. He held me, half asleep and loopy from his cold medicine, and we rocked together in the pre-dawn darkness.

For those of you who are interested, I will post a birth story tomorrow.

Today, please enjoy the slideshow we made for Kieran’s first birthday last year.

Posted in Kieran, Pregnancy & Birth | 10 Comments »

Ho Ho Ho, How Do You Santa?

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

We have decided not to “do” Santa with Kieran. By that, I mean we’re not going to help Kieran believe that Santa is a real person, and we won’t be following the news reports of “sleigh spottings” on Christmas Eve. More likely we will explain that there is a story about an imaginary person named Santa Claus.

We’re avoiding the Santa Claus story for three main reasons:

First, I’m chicken and don’t want to face a sobbing 5 year old who just discovered that Santa Claus is not real. More importantly, I want Kieran to be able to trust us, and lying to him about Santa would be a breach of that trust.

Second, too often Santa emphasizes the spirit of receiving more than he does the spirit of giving. Think about it – we sit our children on Santa’s lap to talk about what they want to get. We have kids make lists of what they want under the tree. In the weeks before Christmas, kids are overwhelmed with consumerist crap.
We do not want Christmas to be an orgy of gimme gimme gimme. We are going to limit the number of gifts that we all receive, and we will take care in making or choosing gifts for friends and family.
This holiday season Kieran has already helped make cards, cookies, ornaments, and other gifts for our friends and family. He puts serious thought into selecting what gift will go to which person, and he loves presenting his homemade gifts to others. (He also loves dropping money into the Salvation Army bucket every time we chance upon one, but I think that has more to do with the bell and the falling coins than it does his philanthropic attitude.)
We hope to help Kieran’s sweet spirit of generosity grow, and Christmas is just one time of the year to highlight how wonderful it is to share with others.

Finally, I don’t want to condition the amount or quality of gifts on Kieran’s behavior – there won’t be a “naughty or nice list” at our house, nor will we jokingly threaten lumps of coal. Don’t get me wrong, I realize that the parent who keeps a literal checklist of their child’s transgressions is rare, but I don’t even like the idea of conditioning gifts on behavior. And I don’t want Kieran to “behave” in the hopes of being materially rewarded, I’d rather he just learn appropriate social interactions and want to be a cool kid all on his own.
We will give gifts on Christmas (and anytime during the year) because we enjoy making each other happy, not because someone has earned them.

How do you handle the story of Santa?

If you have older children, do they believe Santa is a real person or an imaginary character?

How do you emphasize the joy of giving over the fun in receiving?

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Kieran was not sure what to think about Santa last year.

Posted in Kieran, Parenting | 29 Comments »

Tough Love? No Way, Baby!

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

(This post is the first post in the Second Tuesday Parenting Blog Carnival. If you are participating, please add your name/URL to the widget below this post.)

“We’re glad to see you . . . We’re sorry you had to come.”

So says Time Magazine to our newborns, who are biologically wired to seek out responsive and caring nighttime parenting. The quote above is actually the welcoming phrase of the Tough Love International program (1); but it is appropriate, because Time Magazine has advised parents to practice “tough love” with their newborns when it comes to infant sleep concerns.

In the December 7, 2009 article “The Year in Health, A to Z,” the section entitled “B is for Babies” recommends:

When a baby has repeated problems falling asleep, Mom and Dad may need to show some tough love. Lingering with cranky babies too long or bringing them into the parents’ bedroom can make them likelier to become poor sleepers, according to psychologist Jodi Mindell, who gathered data on nearly 30,000 kids up to 3 years old in 17 countries. “If you’re rocked to sleep at bedtime, you’re going to need that every time you wake up,” she notes. Her advice: have children fall asleep 3 ft. away. “If they’re slightly separated, they sleep much better,” she says. (2)

Why is it that so many people (experts included) are quick to banish babies to separate sleeping quarters, even if the babies protest? As social creatures, isn’t it natural to want to share space with our loved ones? Unfortunately, where independence is celebrated as it is here in the United States, bed sharing has traditionally been widely practiced, but rarely discussed. (3)

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Kieran has been sharing our bed since we brought him home.

Nighttime parenting is a time investment, and no credible expert will suggest that there is only one way to help your child sleep. Your goal (in addition to helping everyone in your house get some sleep)  “is to help your baby develop a healthy attitude about sleep: that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a secure state to remain in.” (4)

It is unrealistic and unsound to counsel against rocking a baby to sleep or bringing baby into the parents’ bedroom. It is healthy to help baby become used to a variety of methods to fall asleep (5), and there are proven benefits to both mother and baby when breastfeeding mothers bring their babies into the family bed.

Regardless of whether you breastfeed or bottle-feed, having your baby room in close to you (whether in a crib, bassinet, or sidecar; aka “cosleeping”) enables you to respond more quickly to your baby’s needs. (6) A baby whose needs are consistently cared for learns to trust her caregivers and is key to a secure attachment. (7) Moreover, “[m]erely having an infant sleeping in a room with a committed adult caregiver . . . reduces the chances of an infant dying from SIDS or from an accident by one half!” (8)

If you are a breastfeeding mother, there are actually more benefits to having baby safely share a bed with you. Research has shown the following benefits when babies safely share the family bed:

1) “Co-sleeping promotes physiological regulation. The proximity of the parent may help the infant’s immature nervous system learn to self-regulate during sleep.” (9) Additionally, the parent’s own breathing appears to “help the infant to ‘remember’ to breathe.” (10)

2) The risk of SIDS decreases with safe bed sharing practices. “In Japan where co-sleeping and breastfeeding (in the absence of maternal smoking) is the cultural norm, rates of the sudden infant death syndrome are the lowest in the world.” (11) Experts around the world agree that safe bed sharing can decrease infant SIDS deaths. (12)

3) Cosleeping and bed sharing result in better breastfeeding. Cosleeping increased breastfeeding success and length, because mothers can more easily respond to their babies’ hunger cues. “In addition to the benefits of breastfeeding, the act of sucking increases oxygen flow, which is beneficial for both growth and immune functions.” (13)

4) Bed sharing is beneficial for parents, too. “[B]edsharing makes breastfeeding much easier to manage and practically doubles the amount of breastfeeding sessions while permitting both mothers and infants to spend more time asleep.” (14) Mothers report that they are more sensitive and in tune with their children’s needs. Bed sharing can also result in less bedtime struggles and can instill a positive, healthy attitude toward sleep. (15)

5) Bed sharing has long term benefits. “Co-sleeping appears to promote confidence, self-esteem, and intimacy, possibly by reflecting an attitude of parental acceptance. . . . A recent study in England showed that among the children who ‘never’ slept in their parents bed, there was a trend to be harder to control, less happy, exhibit a greater number of tantrums, and these children were actually more fearful than children who always slept in their parents’ bed, all night.” (16) Finally, bed sharing can result in general satisfaction with life. “A large, cross-cultural study conducted on five different ethnic groups in large U.S. cities found that, across all groups, co-sleepers exhibited a general feeling of satisfaction with life.” (17)

Time Magazine missed the mark by encouraging parents to practice a “tough love” approach to nighttime parenting. There are far more benefits to responsive parenting when it comes to infant sleep.

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Kieran never sleeps as soundly as when he is tucked safe in mama's arms.

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Welcome to the first installment of the Second Tuesday Parenting Blog Carnival. If you are participating in the carnival, please enter your name and the URL for your parenting post to the widget below.
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(1) http://www.4troubledteens.com/toughlove.html

(2) “Time Magazine Encourages ‘Tough Love’ for Infants,” http://mothering.com/time-magazine-encourages-tough-love-infants (quoting “The Year in Health, A to Z,” Time Magazine, Dec. 7, 2009)

(3) “Who Wants to Sleep Alone?,” http://www.mothering.com/who-wants-to-sleep-alone

(4) “31 Ways to Get Your Baby to Go to Sleep and Stay Asleep Easier,” http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070300.asp

(5) 31 Ways to Get Your Baby to Go to Sleep and Stay Asleep Easier

(6) See “Who Wants to Sleep Alone?” for a description of the distinction between “cosleeping” and “bed sharing.”

(7) “Pillow Talk,” http://www.mothering.com/parenting/pillow-talk

(8) “Cosleeping and Biological Imperatives,” http://neuroanthropology.net/2008/12/21/cosleeping-and-biological-imperatives-why-human-babies-do-not-and-should-not-sleep-alone/

(9) “Co-sleeping Benefits,” http://www.hpakids.org/holistic-health/articles/38/1/Co-sleeping-Benefits (citing Farooqi, 1994; Mitchell, 1997; Mosko, 1996; Nelson, 1996; Skragg, 1996; see article for full citations)

(10) Co-sleeping Benefits (citing McKenna, 1990; Mosko, 1996; Richard, 1998)

(11) Cosleeping and Biological Imperatives

(12) See Co-sleeping Benefits; Pillow Talk; Who Wants to Sleep Alone?

(13) Co-sleeping Benefits, (citing Clements, 1997; Hauck, 1998; McKenna, 1994; Richard et al., 1996); Cosleeping and Biological Imperatives (citing and linking to studies by Dr. Helen Ball)

(14) Cosleeping and Biological Imperatives

(15) Co-sleeping Benefits

(16) Co-sleeping Benefits (citing Crawford, 1994; Heron, 1994)

(17) Co-sleeping Benefits (citing Mosenkis, 1998)

Posted in Breastfeeding, Co-sleeping, Crying it Out, Kids' Health, Parenting | 10 Comments »