Bonding with Baby Before Birth (When You’re Not Excited About Being Pregnant)
There are many reasons expectant mothers may not be feeling excited about pregnancy or connected to their developing babies. Any kind of stress can take away from the joy of pregnancy, from stress about work or a relationship, to stress about giving birth or changing family dynamics. As I shared recently, I’ve been having trouble connecting with my baby during this pregnancy because of my feelings surrounding the fact that my breastmilk has dried up and my concerns that Kieran is being forced to wean before he would have been ready. And like many second- (or more)-time mamas, I’m also fretting over the fact that our family of three is expanding, right when it felt like we had a good dynamic going.
But connecting with baby prenatally is healthy and may help ease the process of forming secure attachments post-birth. Research shows that a baby who is talked to, stroked (via pressure on the tummy), and shown love before birth can feel and be comforted by that love and attention. In fact, babies who are interacted with before birth may even exhibit “larger head circumference and enhanced motor, cognitive, social, and language development after birth compared to control groups.”1 Working through stress and prenatal bonding is also healthy for baby, because there is evidence that a mother’s mood can affect her unborn child due to hormone shifts. “Researchers believe that a stressed mother produces an abundance of stress hormones called catecholamines, which have been shown to, in turn, affect emotions.”2
For those of us who don’t feel that immediate connection to our new little passenger, here are ten ideas that may help spark a bond that will blossom over the weeks and months to come.
Ten Ideas for Bonding with Baby Before Birth
1. Give your baby a nickname. Even if you have no idea what your baby’s name will eventually be, find a nickname that you can use to create a sense of “personhood” for your baby. Kieran was “Bug” in utero and for quite a few months afterward. What did you call your little one in utero?
2. Create a special CD and play it for baby regularly. Are there songs that speak to you of parenthood and love? Songs that you want your little one to recognize as representative of you? Create a “mixed tape” for your baby and play it both before and after she is born. Remember that babies in utero “prefer classical music (Mozart and Vivaldi are good standbys), or any music that mimics the mother’s heart rate of 60 beats per minute (lullabies and New Age music, for example),” so don’t stir up the amniotic fluid with hard rock too often. And delight in knowing that your baby will even be able to recognize music that she heard in utero!3
3. Write a journal. Take a few minutes every day to record your thoughts about your pregnancy. If you need inspiration, you could “write in it as if you are talking to the baby. Not only will this help you bond with your baby, but it is a nice memento for later on, and you can give it to the child when they are old enough.”4 Write letters about your hopes and fears, about your pregnancy journey, about your dreams for the future.5
4. Enjoy a daily meditation. Spend quiet time every day to center yourself and focus on peaceful and loving feelings. Welcome baby, visualize your “perfect” birth, imagine what your child will look and sound like. Visualize breastfeeding and picture your breasts full of milk. Concentrate on the aspects of motherhood that are positives for you.
5. Find ways to interact with baby. As your baby gets bigger, take time to learn how your baby can sense your presence. At different stages of your baby’s development, he can notice and react to sound (especially your voice), light (he will even startle if you shine a light at your belly), tastes (he will suck and swallow differently depending on what you’ve eaten), and touch (he will respond to your pats and tickles). Research has even demonstrated that babies can learn to respond in a certain way in utero (for example, they will learn to kick in response to a set stimulus).6 Involve your partner as much as possible, especially after it is possible for another person to feel baby move – they will appreciate the chance to “talk” to baby, too.
6. Celebrate your changing body. Our bodies are amazing – we nourish another living being into life! Do something to remember this time, and don’t worry about potential stretch marks. Take belly pictures and make a pregnancy progression video. Sketch a tattoo you’ll get someday to mark your passage into motherhood. Paint your belly or have a henna design applied and take fun pictures. Do a belly cast. Create a crazy Halloween costume with your belly proudly on display. Have fun!
7. Create a ritual. Find something special to do during your pregnancy and make time for it every day. A nightly slow dance with your partner’s hand resting on your swelling belly. Starting every morning with your favorite yoga poses. Something that will make you smile and reduce stress.
8. Use baby as an excuse to pamper yourself. Get that prenatal massage. Splurge on a pedicure once you can’t reach your toes. Find a groupon for something that would normally be outside your budget (a hair cut at a swanky salon, dinner at a fancy restaurant).
9. Get to know baby. What foods do you eat that make baby dance? What side of your belly does baby prefer? What time of day is baby most active? Notice these little things. Write them in your journal or share them with your partner or due date club. If you need even more of a connection with baby, weigh the pros and cons of getting an ultrasound.7
10. Talk about your fears/stresses with a friend/therapist. Whether it’s a trusted friend or your partner, a paid therapist, or the other mamas in your parenting group or due date club, share your concerns and fears. Sometimes the simple act of talking about them can help you let them go, and a friend or therapist might have some insight on how to help you deal with them. Take care of yourself!
How did you bond with your baby before birth?
Photo Credit: memoossa
- See, e.g., Bonding with Baby Before Birth and How can I bond with my infant before birth? ↩
- 7 Ways to Bond with Your Preborn Baby ↩
- Bonding with Baby Before Birth ↩
- Pre-Birth Communication and Bonding ↩
- Bonding with Baby Before Birth ↩
- 7 Ways to Bond with Baby ↩
- I am not an advocate of any medically unnecessary procedure, including ultrasound. If you’ve never researched how ultrasounds can be more harmful than helpful, try Birth Matters by Ina May Gaskin; Ultrasound: More Harm than Good?; To Ultrasound or Not to Ultrasound: Reasons vs. Risks; or look at this collection of articles gathered at drmomma.org. ↩
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"Bonding with Baby Before Birth (When You’re Not Excited About Being Pregnant)"
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