What Is the Difference Between Spanking and Abuse?

April 30th, 2012 by Dionna | 57 Comments
Posted in Carnival and Special Series, Consensual Living, Gentle/Positive Discipline, natural parenting

This was a tough one to write, and I am hopeful that it will be read in the spirit it was written – not in a space of judgment or criticism, but in the hope that by rethinking long-held beliefs, we can all communicate more peacefully. There is always more room for peace in our world, especially where children are concerned.
~~~

Welcome to the Spank Out Day 2012 Carnival

This post was written for inclusion in the Second Annual Spank Out Day Carnival hosted by Zoie at TouchstoneZ. Spank Out Day was created by The Center for Effective Discipline to give attention to the need to end corporal punishment of children and to promote non-violent ways of teaching children appropriate behavior. All parents, guardians, and caregivers are encouraged to refrain from hitting children on April 30th each year, and to seek alternative methods of discipline through programs available in community agencies, churches and schools. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

You know what is difficult? Trying to explain the difference between spanking and abuse to a child. My child doesn’t really understand where the line is drawn.

I understand his confusion.

The other day Kieran and I went to a donation party for a domestic violence shelter. The shelter asked people to bring new pajamas for kids, many of whom come in at night with nothing.

Before we went, Kieran asked me why we were bringing pajamas, and why the kids stayed at the shelter. I explained to him that the shelter was for mamas and children who were abused. He asked, “what is abused?” I said, “well . . . we have talked about how some parents spank. Abuse is . . . when parents spank very, very hard. They really hurt.”

He said, “doesn’t spanking really hurt?”

I remember when we first talked about spanking — thanks, Little House on the Prairie. When we reached the part where Pa spanks Laura, I read through it without inflection, hoping Kieran wouldn’t ask any questions. But sure enough, as soon as I finished the passage he said, “mama, what does spank mean?”

Drawing from an example that happened just that afternoon I said, “you know how sometimes when you get frustrated, you yell or try to hit one of your friends? And sometimes mama gets frustrated and we might both need to take a break to cool down and then we talk? And you know how some kids take time-outs? Well, some parents think that hitting is a way to teach their kid not to act in a certain way.”

{Looking concerned} “They hit? Why?”

I said, “some people think that hitting will teach or scare kids into acting in an appropriate way.”

He said, “But you say don’t hit.” And I replied, “yes, I do, and I do not believe that any hitting is ok. In our family, we do not hit. We want everyone to feel safe, and hitting does not make me feel safe.”

Before we were done, he asked me again, “why do they want to hurt their kids, mama?”

So when he asked me, “what is abuse?,” I really struggled. Because we work hard to teach him that hitting is not safe.

I do not want him to hit when he is four years old. I definitely do not want him to hit when he is older – his partner or his children. I do not want him to feel that he is deserving of being hit by others, ever.

Therefore, we teach that no hitting is safe.

What is the difference then between spanking (or swatting, popping, etc.) and abuse? There is a fine legal line.

A commonly adopted definition specifies spanking as hitting a child with an open hand on the buttocks or extremities with the intent to discipline without leaving a bruise or causing physical harm. . . . Physical abuse usually is defined to encompass corporal punishment that is harsh and excessive, involves the use of objects (e.g., belts, paddles), is directed to parts of the body other than the extremities, and causes or has the potential to cause physical harm. Because many parents report using objects during punishment, behaviors that many professionals might consider as clearly abusive are fairly common and included in some definitions of spanking.¹

Under many state laws, “[p]hysical abuse is generally defined as ‘any nonaccidental physical injury to the child’ and can include striking, kicking, burning, or biting the child, or any action that results in a physical impairment of the child.”²

Two questions come to my mind when I read that: If a parent is intentionally hitting his/her child and an injury occurs, when would that injury be “nonaccidental”? and What counts as a physical impairment?

The answers will depend on your state’s law, how good your attorney is, and who your judge is.

In Connecticut, you will have to argue what constitutes physical injury, because “[t]he term ‘abused’ means that a child or youth [h]as been inflicted with physical injury or injuries by other than accidental means.”³

In Arkansas they’ve gotten very specific about what crosses the line into abuse. Be sure not to tie “a child to a fixed or heavy object or bind[] or [tie] a child’s limbs together.” You should also stay away from “[g]iving a child or permitting a child to consume or inhale a poisonous or noxious substance . . . .” But just so you know, if you throw, kick, or bite a child and it does not result in physical injury, you should be in the clear.⁴

Apparently the line between acceptable punishment and abuse is a little more explicit there.

Regardless of our own state law, I think I’ll stick with my four year old on this one.

“Doesn’t spanking really hurt?” Yes, it does. Let’s work together to find a healthier way to work with our children.

~~~

I know that many of my readers have spanked – once, a few times, or regularly. I fretted when deciding whether or not to publish this post, because I know how critical it might sound to a parent who employs corporal punishment. Heck, I know how it feels to want to spank. I’ve been that mad – I’ve teetered on the edge of such hot frustration and/or fear that I felt like striking my own child. But I have found the self-control to breathe, to regroup, to find a way to communicate that feels better to me and my child. And I’m thankful, because peaceful communication is something I value.

Please do not read this as something I have written sitting in judgment. I simply wanted to share another perspective – that of a child who cannot possibly grasp the fine distinction between a parent who is trying to teach their child a lesson through physical discipline, and one who is lashing out at a child in a rage.

To a child, there may not be much of a difference.

***

On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy #SpankOutCar hashtag. You can also subscribe to the Spank Out Day Carnival Twitter List and Spank Out Day Carnival Participant Feed.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• What Spanking Taught Me Meg at MommyStoleTheSugar explains the spankee’s perspective and how it has affected her disciplining choices as a parent.
• A Memory of Spanking Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores her own upbringing and how it has affected her and why she is changing the way she relates to her children.
• Redirecting the Impulse to Spank Amy W. shares at Natural Parents Network about her experience redirecting the impulse to spank, and encourages all parents to respond with sensitivity and redirect anger before it becomes harmful.
• Perspective is Everything Patti at Canadian Unschooler learns to heal from the trauma caused by the childhood death of her sister, and gains a deeper understanding of her own mother’s love for her as a child.
• Remembering and Recharging Emily at The Other Baby Blog shares how she refocuses her mindset during high-stress times.
• Does spanking work? Megan at TheBehavioralChild lists the five reasons why spanking doesn’t work.
• Love is All There Is: A Spank Out Day Post Tree at Mom Grooves shares her thoughts about needing to find a way to discipline her 5 year old that could give her daughter the boundaries she is craving while still treating her with only love and respect.
• Discipline isn’t SOmething You Do; Discipline is SOmething You Have Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children questions how parents can expect their children to show self-control if they, themselves, do not exhibit self-discipline.
• No Spanking, No Yelling, No Time Outs….What’s Left? Sheila at A Living Family shares that though spanked as a child herself, she has made efforts towards an alternative approach to setting limits.
• Forgiveness is possible; loving others in a way that works for us Kelly Hogaboom finds that if we are to raise our children in a humane fashion, we must first recognize our own humanity.
• Dear Daniel, (On Discipline and Love) Amy at Anktangle writes a letter to her son about the many choices we have in life: how we treat people, how we parent, and how we use our bodies in the process.
• Spanking: A Day to Consider Our Muddy Boots recognizes that some see a difference between abuse and spanking, and maybe today is a day that we can consider some other perspectives and utilize available resources to make different choices.
• Mutual Respect Sithyogini at Very Nearly Hippy learns how mutual respect between parents and children leads to peaceful parenting.
• What Is the Difference Between Spanking and Abuse? You know what is difficult? Trying to explain the difference between spanking and abuse to a child. Dionna at Code Name: Mama can understand the confusion.
• I Hit My Kids and Now Begins The Real Work To Heal The Honesty Conspiracy hosts this powerful, anonymous story about how it’s never too late to start on a different approach to spanking.
• How To Talk To Parents About Gentle Alternatives To Spanking Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares some useful ways to discuss the often divisive issue of spanking.
• Spank Out Day: 3 Untruths and 11 Alternatives to Spanking MudpieMama at Positive Parenting Connection breaks down 3 of the biggest myths about spanking and shares a list of effective gentler discipline alternatives.

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