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When Toddlers Pick Up Adult Phrases, Part 1

Monday, August 16th, 2010

Several times since Kieran started talking last year, we’ve noticed he has certain phrases that he uses fairly often.

“Where did he come up with that one?!” we’ll laugh . . .

And then one day we inevitably realize, “Oh. He got it from us.”

His latest phrase is a very enthusiastic “let’s do it!” which is definitely from me. Any time we come up with a plan or are getting ready for something, I catch myself saying “yeah! Let’s do it!” in the same enthusiastic voice.

Another couple of words he uses that I love are “well” and “sometimes.” The well is drawn out and pronounced with an almost Southern accent: “way-ell . . .” When the two are used in conjunction, the result is just about cute enough to melt butter. For example:

Mama: “Do you want to eat a snack with me?”
Kieran: “Well, sometimes I like to eat yogurt!”

or

Mama: “What do we want to do today?”
Kieran: “Well, sometimes I like to go to Grandma’s house and see our family!”

It’s always very matter-of-factly said, with a certain cock of the head and big gooey toddler eyes.

A few months ago, whenever he asked us a question and got a satisfactory answer, he would immediately come back with an “oh, I see,” (even when he didn’t).

Kieran: “Why it rainin’, mama?”
Mama: “Because the clouds got full of water and wanted to let some out.”
Kieran: “Oh, I see!”

About six months ago he was going through a phase where he wanted to direct our play. Whenever we weren’t playing to his exact specifications, he gave us detailed instructions, followed by the phrase “that’s how we do it!” For example:

“Mama, play with me! No, like this: jump up, then sit on the ground. That’s how we do it!”

Every one of his new phrases has been smile-inducing, even though we know he’s mimicking things he’s heard us say. Almost everything is cuter coming from a toddler’s mouth.

No really – almost everything – even forbidden words. Only once has Kieran ever repeated a cuss word. One day while I was sewing, the machine kept messing up and I’d spent twenty minutes trying to fix it before I lost my cool. “God damn it!” I said, further worrying Kieran, who was sitting near me and very concerned about me and the machine. A few minutes later, he was trying to take off some beaded necklaces he’d been wearing, very calmly saying all the while “God damn it, God damn it, God damn it!”

Can you hear yourself in your kids?

What sweet phrases has your little one picked up?

Posted in Kieran, Parenting, Toddlerhood | 12 Comments »

Sleeping Alone is . . . Lonely

Monday, August 9th, 2010

Kieran and I were reading a book the other night. At the end of the book, the main character of the story (a child) was in bed. As is typical of many children’s stories, the child was in bed alone. His parents were standing at the door to his bedroom looking lovingly down at the child in his crib. The following conversation ensued:

A puzzled Kieran asked: “what that baby doin?”

“He’s sleeping in his crib.”

Brow furrowed: “What he mama and papa doin?”

“They’re standing there looking at him. Sometimes papa and I like to watch you when you sleep.”

Undeterred: “they sleep with him?”

“No, it looks like they sleep in their own room.”

Thoughtfully: “This that baby’s room?”

“Yes, this is the baby’s room.”

Llama Llama, Cosleeping Drama

And that was that. Until the subject came up again in another book. In this book, the child llama¹ was in his own bed, alone and scared. Kieran made the connection immediately:

Looking slightly worried: “His mama not sleep with him.”

“No, she tucked him in then went downstairs to work. Papa and I work after you go to sleep too.”

“You sleep with me.”

“Yes, we come to bed with you after we’re done working.”

Matter of factly: “This his room.”

“Yes, this is his room. Would you like to sleep in your own room?”

Moment of silence, followed by shocking announcement: “Yes!”

“Where would you sleep?”

“In the bed where Tio Darin sleep!”

“All alone? What would you do if you got lonely?”

In that tone that instantly conveys “duh!”: “Yes, I just yell for you, mama!”

“I just yell for you, mama.” I love how his toddler brain had worked it out to that simple conclusion. And I would come running (pearls flapping and hands dripping with dishwater, of course).

And so I started to come to terms with the fact that my toddler was going to grow up and sleep in his own bed. This change will quickly be followed by similar milestones, such as tying his own shoes, riding a bike, obtaining a driver’s license, and leaving for college.²

Despite my fretting, I began preparations for the big move. Our house has had some construction projects going on, so the extra bedroom (that Tio Darin sleeps in) was in complete disarray. I spent the last few days cleaning it up, and I talked to Kieran about how he could sleep there whenever he wanted.

Llama Llama Wants His Mama

And then tonight, Kieran saw me getting this post ready. He saw the picture of llama llama, and he went to the bookshelf and grabbed the book.

Concerned: “Read this to me, mama. He in bed alone.”

“Yes, his mama went downstairs to do some work.”

In a small, scared voice: “I don’t want he be lonely.”

“You want him to sleep with his mama.”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to sleep with mama?”

Nodding and snuggling close: “Yes.”

“You can sleep with mama whenever you want to.”

It would appear that I still have some time to watch out for the occasional toddler toe in my eye, to wake up to groggily whispered “I love you’s,” and to wrestle for a piece of our Cal-king bed (most of which Kieran has staked a claim to by eminent domain).

I’m not complaining.

How old was your little one when they voluntarily left the family bed? How did the transition happen? Do you have any tips to make the transition smoother?

Llama Llama Red Pajama is one of the very few books that, after checking it out from the library 20 times, I finally broke down and asked grandma to buy for Kieran. It is one of his favorites. And yes, that’s an affiliate link. ↩
I’m kidding, I’m kidding. ↩

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Co-sleeping, Kieran, Parenting | 17 Comments »

You Know You’re a Mama When . . .

Monday, July 26th, 2010

We rearranged our living space a few days ago by moving the desk from the back of the house (where it wasn’t used) to the front (where it may get used). While cleaning out the drawers, Kieran found some Post-it flags that I used in my previous life as a lawyer.

I loved Post-it flags. My friends at law school may remember my penchant for flagging textbooks and outlines, because I am a nerd like that.

For example, to the right is a picture of my well-loved copy of “The Bluebook.” The Bluebook tells lawyers (who care) how to cite things correctly when writing. If you remember your college English courses, it’s kind of like the MLA for attorneys.¹

Anyway. Kieran found my flags.

At first I asked him to leave the flags alone, because I’m just kind of protective of my flags like that, yo.

But then I thought – what the hell?

They’ve been sitting in a desk drawer unused for the last three years, why not let Kieran have some fun?

And so I did.

He immediately found their next best use (after flagging legal documents), which is flagging the different sectors of one’s own anatomy.

He was very intently preoccupied with this flagging exercise for oh, ten to fifteen minutes or so.

And as I took pictures of my beloved flags decorating my beloved son’s legs I thought, you know you’re a mama when the contents of your desk drawers are more useful as body art than they are for their original purpose.

What about you? What wonderful things have you experienced lately that made you think “you know you’re a mama when . . .”

Leave your thoughts in the comments, and I will post them all later!

I owed my lovely Bluebook flagging system to one of Washburn University School of Law’s most intelligent and beloved professors, Alex Glashausser. ↩

Posted in Kieran, Parenting | 27 Comments »

Behavioral Challenges Before Developmental Growth Spurts

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

I reached out to my local parenting group a few weeks ago, because I was at the end of my parenting rope with Kieran. He was demanding our attention every single second of the day, and when we had to do something else (cook, clean, pee), Kieran would get angry or melt down.

It was tiring.

The two suggestions that really resonated with me were:

1) Talk to Kieran: when I knew that I needed some concentrated time for a project, just sit down with Kieran and say “mama needs to do X, what do you think you could do while I am X’ing?” Toddlers are not too small or inexperienced to be part of a solution. We’ve been talking to Kieran about solutions for a long time, and it definitely helps.

2) Have some novel activities that Kieran can do while I am doing my own thing: that way his independent time is something for him to look forward to.

This morning, though, as I read through a new reply to my initial question, I saw that Kieran was in the living room contentedly playing with his trains. His trains were having a lively conversation, and he’d been playing by himself for about 20 minutes – without anyone asking him to!

I thought back to the past few days and realized that his creative play has simply exploded in the past week. He is making up intricate story lines for his trains, for his kitchen, for his puppets; he has been interested in the dress up box and the modeling clay; he has run around pretending to be Peter Pan, Captain Hook, and Wendy (his imagination knows no gender bounds, thankfully).

And it dawned on me – just like babies, toddlers show physical, outward signs of growth and development spurts. For example:

A two week stretch of frequent night wakings can be linked to the emergence of a new physical skill like walking, or a developmental spurt like a big language leap;

Eighteen to twenty-one month old toddlers often exhibit a renewed bout of separation anxiety as they come to terms with the fact of their new mobility and independence;

More frequent (than normal) meltdowns or big bursts of emotion can accompany rapid development in social skills.

Babies and toddlers are going through monumental developments physically, mentally, and emotionally. They do not have the ability to “talk it out” or tell us what’s bothering them. It is only in retrospect that we can link a difficult time of behavior or sleep with a physical or developmental growth spurt.

In retrospect, it looks like Kieran was in the middle of a developmental spurt in his creative play. He is getting ready to enter a peak time of pretend play, and as with any type of play, it requires new mental connections.

Parenting our child’s abilities and development is one reason that we haven’t employed punitive disciplinary measures. It doesn’t do any good to withdraw our love from a child for acting out, when he is acting out because he is in the middle of a period of rapid brain development. Gentle discipline helps us connect with our child during these tumultuous years of growth and development.

Do you notice differences in sleep or behavior or other outward signs during growth or development spurts?

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Consensual Living, Discipline, Kieran, Parenting, Toddlerhood | 14 Comments »

Comments About Kids’ Appearances

Monday, July 19th, 2010

Kieran's curls pre-cut

We cut Kieran’s hair last weekend.

Kieran’s beautiful, long curls laid scattered around the stylist’s feet, but his eyes still lit up my heart when he peeked at me from the mirror.

Kieran’s dishwater blond hair had never met a pair of scissors before last week, when I gave him a tiny trim to get him ready for the stylist. See, we decided early in Kieran’s life to do something unconventional: we decided to let Kieran choose when he would get his first haircut.

Kieran loved his hair as much as I did. He didn’t know that boys are “supposed to” have short hair, and girls are “supposed to” have long hair. He hasn’t been indoctrinated into traditional gender stereotypes.

Hopefully, he wasn’t aware of the remarks people made about him to me.

“Oh look, he has a mullet!”

“Aw, but he looks like a little girl!”

“When are you going to cut that boy’s hair?!”

Remarks like that made me experience a range of emotions. On one hand I just didn’t care. Kieran, Tom, and I were all happy with the way he looked. We couldn’t imagine his hair being any different. On the other hand, these remarks are about my child. Why does he need to fit into some neat little stereotyped box at the age of two?! Do parents of girls with short hair frequently get “gee, she looks like a boy” comments?

As a girl raised in the U.S., I have had it drilled into me from an early age that boys should be handsome and girls should be pretty. There are certain codes and expectations that we all must follow to “fit in.” Color outside the gender lines and you run the risk of being shunned.

But when did it become socially acceptable to make flippant remarks about a child’s appearance? Especially when that child is within earshot. Is that the result of the pervasive societal attitude that kids don’t matter? That they aren’t “smart” enough to figure out that we are talking about them? Do people not think that kids are listening? Are kids’ feelings that unimportant?¹

And, for that matter, is it socially acceptable to walk up to an adult (stranger or not) and say “haha, you have a mullet”?

My point, I think, is fourfold:

1) Think before you speak: don’t make comments about the way people look, regardless of whether that person is 2, 25, or 75.² It’s rude, and it’s probably not your place.

2) Don’t get stuck in gender stereotypes: whether it’s a girl wearing blue, a boy wearing pink, a girl in overalls, a boy in a skirt, a girl with a shaved head, or a boy with a ponytail, who cares?! We are all people. We are all worthy of love, no matter how we dress, how we style our hair, or what clothes we put on our bodies.

3) Realize that kids are people too: kids can make choices about their own bodies. Kids can hear and understand what you are saying about them. Kids are people. Treat them as such please.

4) Break free of what society dictates is “pretty”: I know I’m not the only one who rolls my eyes at the stereotypical “pretty” image. If you don’t like the constraints, break free!³

(Warning: she uses the “F” word around the 2:47 mark, otherwise it’s safe for work)

A side view of the new surfer 'do

Back to Kieran’s hair:

So, to everyone who told me my kid’s hair looked funny: I didn’t care what you thought. Yes, it might have hurt a little because you were making a comment about my child (and every parent knows that anytime our child is hurt or made fun of, it hurts us too). And yes, it made me angry if you said it around him like he was deaf or dumb. He can hear you, and he’s pretty flippin’ bright.

But we didn’t cut it because of anyone’s comments. We cut it because he asked us to. Before that? Before that he was fine with it. And Tom and I were fine with it. We thought he was beautiful.

I miss his hair, even though I really like his new hair.

Yes, it’s just hair. I realize that. But I feel like these comments, these comments about a child’s skin-deep appearance, are just a symptom of something deeper in society, something about our attitude towards kids. Or our shallowness about what is “pretty.” And it makes me sad. And maybe a little angry.

He's cute no matter what!

Think I’m exaggerating? Read this amazing “Adult Privilege Checklist,” courtesy of Shut Up, Sit Down. Thank you Kelly of kelly.hogaboom.org for pointing me in that direction. ↩
I can’t tell you how many nasty comments I edited or deleted on the post about Lisa Rollins’ remarks on breastfeeding. Listen, if you are upset about the fact that Rollins didn’t want to see a breastfeeding mother, then don’t be hypocritical and talk about her appearance. What does it matter what she looks like? ↩
For more along this line of thought, read “I Am Fat” by Raising Boychick. Actually, many of the posts in her “body” or “gender” categories are wonderful and worth a read. ↩