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March Carnival of Natural Parenting: Vintage Green

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

Welcome to the March Carnival of Natural Parenting: Vintage Green!

This is the third monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month we’re writing about being green — both how green we were when we were young and how green our kids are today. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.


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The great thing about “going green” is that so much of it is easy on the wallet. When I tried to think about ways my family was green growing up, all I kept coming up with were the ways my parents were cheap. Here are a few examples of how my mom and dad scrimped and saved while being environmentally friendly (if not consciously so), and how my own family is green today:

1. Buying Second Hand or Accepting Hand-me-downs: My mother and maternal grandmother were the queens of the garage sale. They could sniff out a sale within a 5 mile radius, and believe you me they would turn that car around to get their bargain hunting on. I got some of the coolest – and most hideous – things from garage sales. The best? A few rockin’ record albums (Slippery When Wet, Thriller, and the like). The worst? An itsy bitsy teeny weeny puke yellow bikini that my grandma gifted me when I was about 10 years old. It was an abomination; thankfully my mom didn’t make me wear it to “be nice.” My parents were also not ashamed to accept hand-me-downs, whether they be clothes, furniture, dishes, etc. Our financial situation required it, but it was also Earth friendly.

Today, Tom and I scour garage sales and thrift stores for both reasons: First, because it makes little sense to waste $15 on a shirt for Kieran that he will only wear a handful of times. Second, because that $1.25 shirt at the thrift store is better for our bank account. And we don’t just shop secondhand for Kieran, we do it for everything. We figure that vintage goods have more personality. Plus, we have a toddler in the house (and a clutzy mama) – why buy expensive stuff that has a good chance of being broken?

2. Cloth Diapering: Cloth diapers are the environmentally responsible choice when used appropriately (wash in full loads, line dry when possible, etc.). My parents fell into cloth diapering after I got persistent diaper rash from disposables. They kept using cloth with my sisters because it was cheap. Of course the diapers mom used on us were plain white prefolds with the stereotypical rubber pants. She might have used duck-head pins to dress them up.

Today, Tom and I use cloth for a variety of reasons, but the main two are cost and environmental. Disposable diapers can run parents anywhere from $1600 to $4,150 for only two years of diapers. Cloth will typically run you far less than $1000. We’ve kept our diaper expenses below $500 by buying secondhand at sites like DiaperSwappers. We can recoup part of that cost by either using them again on a second child or by selling them after Kieran is out of diapers. The best part? Cloth is so much cuter now than it was when I was sporting it.

3. Gardening: My grandparents gardened for leisure and to save money at the grocery store. My parents grow a variety of flowers and vegetables for the same reason.

Today, Tom and I are expanding our garden every year as we get more experience. We are also committed to gardening in a way that is healthiest for our family and the environment. There is really little better than eating the fruits (and vegetables) of your labor.

4. Creatively Repurposing Your Stuff: My mom and my grandmother (who was basically my second mother) used to drive me crazy with the way they would reuse everything. My grandma – a product of the Depression – saved bread bags, twist ties, plastic butter containers, cardboard tubes, bits of fabric, buttons, every single Christmas card she ever received, pens, matchbooks, the list is endless. She bordered on the obsessive. And oddly enough, she’d actually use that stuff again. Plastic butter containers would be surreptitiously slipped from her purse to hold leftover fish and chicken from Old Country Buffet (she fed them to her cats). Bread bags would cover rarely used kitchen appliances to ward off dust. Et cetera.

My mom did the same thing. The one thing that sticks out in my mind? Pantyhose and soap. The woman made us save soap slivers. Once there were enough slivers (did she count? weigh them? I don’t know!), she would take the foot part of pantyhose that had too many runs to wear anymore, put the soap slivers inside, and tie it up. Then we would use the foot soap in place of a bar. Ew.

Today, Tom and I are also big advocates for repurposing things that may otherwise be thrown away. Kieran has a couple of huge (formerly pretzel) containers holding his blocks and trains. I reuse glass jars for freezing and storing dried goods like beans and rice. When I freeze certain things in Ziploc bags (waffles, rolls of cookie dough), I save the bags to use again once they are empty. We save containers to make toys for Kieran – different sized plastic containers have become piggy banks and shakers, cardboard tubes are now tunnels for his Matchbox cars, and oatmeal containers are integral to art projects (put a piece of paper inside, squirt in some tempera paint, throw in a couple of rocks, put the lid on, and shake).

I draw the line at pantyhose soap slivers though.

How about your family? Were you green growing up to be Earth friendly, or to save money?

Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Code Name: Mama and Hobo MamaVisit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated March 9 with all the carnival links.)

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Posted in Activities for Toddlers, Arts & Crafts, Carnival of Natural Parenting, Diapering, Family Life, Going Green, Homey Goodness, My Family, Parenting | 21 Comments »

Acknowledging Children’s Feelings

Monday, March 8th, 2010

Recently I shared some suggestions I found helpful from the first chapter of “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk.” The book begins by listing some of the common ways parents react to statements by their children and offering healthier alternatives. One important step in dealing with children’s feelings is to acknowledge those feelings with words.

It is important to help children identify their emotions. Emotions are such an abstract concept. While there are certain physical qualities of emotions that parents can help point out in others (“Look at how Jane’s shoulders are slumped down and her face looks sad. I wonder if she is feeling lonely because no one is playing with her”), it is even more important to name emotions for your child as she is feeling them.

When your child approaches you with something, resist the urge to give advice or solve the problem. Instead, put a name to the emotion and use just a few words to show you understand how your child is feeling.

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sad toddler boy sits in blue laundry basket
Child:
“I had to give a book report in front of the class, but I couldn’t remember what I’d written. I just stood there forever. Everyone laughed at me!”

Parent:
Instead of “Maybe next time you should rehearse your report in front of the mirror a few times.”
Try “That must have been embarrassing for you!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Child:
“I hate playing with Will. He always has to take the best toys and never wants to share.”

Parent:
Instead of “But you really like Will. Maybe you need to try being nicer to him.”
Try “Boy that would be frustrating.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Child:
“Ella told me she was going to ask me to stay the night this weekend, but she never called.”

Parent:
Instead of “Well let’s rent a movie and have fun together.”
Try “You sound pretty disappointed that you haven’t heard from her yet.”

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By resisting the urge to solve problems or make everything better, it gives your child the opportunity to struggle through the problem and come up with his own solution. Children need to have experience wrestling with tough emotions and situations. The adult can be there to listen with empathy and reflect the child’s feelings.

The scenarios above are, of course, just the beginning to a longer conversation. Here is an example from the book of a real situation reported by a parent:

A father in our group reported that his young son came storming into the house [and said] “I’d like to punch that Michael in the nose!” The father said, “Normally the conversation would have gone like this:”

Son: I’d like to punch that Michael in the nose!
Father: Why? What happened?
Son: He threw my notebook in the dirt!
Father: Well, did you do something to him first?
Son: No!
Father: Are you sure?
Son: I swear, I never touched him.
Father: Well, Michael is your friend. If you take my advice, you’ll forget the whole thing. You’re not so perfect you know. Sometimes you start up and then blame someone else – the way you do with your brother.
Son: No I don’t. He starts up with me first . . . Oh I can’t talk to you.

But the father had just attended a workshop on helping his children deal with their feelings, and this is what actually took place:

Son: I’d like to punch that Michael in the nose!
Father: Boy, you’re angry!
Son: I’d like to push his fat face in!
Father: You’re that mad at him!
Son: You know what that bully did? He grabbed my notebook at the bus stop and threw it in the dirt. And for no reason!
Father: Hmmm!
Son: I bet he thought I was the one who broke his dumb clay bird in the art room.
Father: You think so.
Son: Yeah, he kept looking at me all the time he was crying.
Father: Oh.
Son: But I didn’t break it. I didn’t!
Father: You know you didn’t.
Son: Well I didn’t do it on purpose! I couldn’t help it if that stupid Debby pushed me into the table.
Father: So Debby pushed you.
Son: Yeah. A lot of things got knocked down, but the only thing that broke was the bird. I didn’t mean to break it. His bird was good.
Father: You really didn’t mean to break it.
Son: No, but he wouldn’t believe me.
Father: You don’t think he’d believe you if you told him the truth.
Son: I dunno . . . I’m gonna tell him anyway – whether he believes me or not. And I think he should tell me he’s sorry for throwing my notebook in the dirt!

The father was astonished. He hadn’t asked questions and yet the child had told him the whole story. He hadn’t given one word of advice and yet the child had worked out his own solution.

So what about you? Do you automatically jump to solving your child’s problems, or do you listen with empathy and encourage her to work through them? I’d love to hear your real life stories.

And if you haven’t ever tried to acknowledge feelings and listen while your child sorts out a problem on his own, I challenge you to give it a shot this week.

On Code Name: Mama, I share information, resources, and my thoughts on natural parenting and life with a toddler. Please take a moment to subscribe to my RSS feed for free updates.

Photo Credit: SWQBRAOriginal Here

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Discipline, Parenting | 5 Comments »

Profile: Intact America

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

A representative of Intact America contacted me after I posted Researching Circumcision: What is the Foreskin? last month. After emailing back and forth a few times, I decided to profile the organization and spread the word of the good work it is accomplishing.

Intact America’s Vision and Mission

Intact America “envisions a world where children are protected from permanent bodily alteration inflicted on them without their consent, in the name of culture, religion, profit, or parental preference.” The not-for-profit organization’s mission statement is:

Intact America works to protect babies and children from circumcision and all other forms of medically unnecessary genital alteration, whether carried out for cultural conformity or profit, in medical or non-medical settings.

We seek to achieve our goals through education, advocacy, public policy reform, and the empowerment of our supporters, partners, and volunteers.

Because routine infant circumcision is a subject that many Americans simply take for granted as part of the birthing process, we need Intact America and organizations like it to draw attention to the fact that circumcision is not the only – or preferable – option (in the vast majority of cases).

Intact America’s Advocacy and Work

1. Petitioning Medical Organizations: Currently, Intact America’s primary focus is on petitioning certain organizations that can have a direct impact on the rate of routine infant circumcision. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) and the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) have convened task forces to reexamine their policies on circumcision.

There is speculation that in light of studies done in sub-Saharan Africa regarding circumcision and HIV infection rates, the CDC and AAP may be considering whether to start recommending circumcision on infant boys in the United States as a routine newborn procedure. The CDC could also recommend that the federal government require states to cover circumcision through Medicaid (16 states currently do not cover the procedure under Medicaid).

2. Supporting Legislation: On March 2, the Massachusetts State Senate will consider the Male Genital Mutilation Bill, legislation that would outlaw the genital mutilation of both young girls AND boys in Massachusetts. Intact America is currently gathering testimony from people across the country who want to speak out against routine, non-therapeutic infant circumcision. By sharing the stories with the senators, Intact America will have a substantial role in the hearing.

3. Educating and Spreading the Word: perhaps one of Intact America’s most important functions is to educate others about the issues surrounding routine infant circumcision. Intact America has a presence on several social networking sites (see below for links), sends out an electronic newsletter, has information available on their website, and much more.

How You Can Help

Intact America can only be as strong as the people who support the campaign against routine, non-therapeutic infant circumcision. Here are a few ways you can get involved:

1. Educate Yourself: Visit their website to learn some common myths and facts about circumcision. There are other websites that provide excellent, well-researched information on the subject. I’ve included links to many of them in my series on “researching circumcision.” (Please read them if you haven’t had a chance yet: part one, part two, and part three.)

2. Sign the Petition: Intact America has a petition on its site that you can personalize (if you so choose) and sign electronically. It will be sent to the CDC.

You can also use their form “letter to the editor” to send to a newspaper in your hometown.

And if you are feeling really inspired, you can take the tools they have provided and start petitioning on your own: the AAP, your local legislature, your pediatrician, and more.

3. Connect on Facebook and Twitter: Become a fan of Intact America on Facebook and follow them on Twitter. Share their status updates and retweet information to your friends, family, and followers. The stronger their supporter base, the greater their impact.

4. Make a Donation or a Purchase: Wear your convictions by shopping at the online store. If you don’t feel like sporting intactivist gear, make a tax-deductible donation in any amount you can.

Posted in Circumcision, Intactivism | 2 Comments »

Researching Circumcision, Part 3: Common Concerns

Monday, March 1st, 2010

This article is the third in a series I am writing to help expectant parents get a jump start on their research about circumcision. Part one discussed the foreskin and its normal, necessary functions. Part two provided information on the procedure itself (what it removes, how it is performed, and some of the consequences). Part three presents information on many of the common concerns parents have when considering circumcision (including an examination of the research on STD’s, cancer, and other health issues).

Intact v. Cut: Common Concerns

There is an abundance of misinformation floating around about circumcision. Some of this is due to outdated (and subsequently proven untrue) “scientific” articles, some to current studies that were not conducted using scientifically acceptable methods, some simply to old wives’ tales. Thankfully, there are several trustworthy sources available that can help parents sift through the misinformation to discover the truth about circumcision and its consequences. Following are facts and links to more resources on the topics that often concern parents about intact v. cut penises.

1. Circumcision does not prevent HIV/AIDS: “Transmission of HIV infection is caused by risky behaviors, such as multiple sex partners, failure to use condoms, and contaminated instruments or needles.” Recent studies, however, claim that circumcised men in Africa have a lower chance of contracting the AIDS virus than men who are intact. Aside from the fact that scientists and scholars have questioned the methods and results of those studies, there are several compelling reasons that the African research is inapplicable when discussion routine infant circumcision. (1)

First, other studies provide evidence that the exact opposite is true: circumcised men in Africa are actually more likely to contract the AIDS virus than are intact men. (2) Second, it makes no scientific sense to compare the behavior of adult men in Africa to the behavior of infants in the United States. The populations “have too little in common . . . .”

Third, “the US has the highest rate of medically unnecessary, nontherapeutic infant circumcision in the world – about 56 percent of male babies today undergo the procedure, . . . and yet the HIV infection rate in North America is twice the rate in Europe, where circumcision rates are low.” If circumcision prevented HIV, it should logically follow that the United States would have some of the lowest rates of AIDS, since men have traditionally been circumcised here. That is not the case. (3) Fourth, the average sexually active heterosexual American male has a 0.03% chance of becoming infected with HIV in his lifetime. If that heterosexual male was high risk? He still only has a 0.3% chance of contracting HIV in his lifetime. Circumcision has no effect on that number, but the use of condoms will drastically decrease the risk. (4)

“Circumcision cannot prevent the spread of HIV; circumcised men contract HIV, transmit HIV, and die from AIDS. ” Moreover, circumcision does nothing to prevent the transmission of HIV to a female partner. (5) Circumcision is not an HIV vaccine. To protect your children from HIV and other STDs, educate them about safe sex practices and teach them how to use condoms.

2. Circumcision does not prevent STDs: Again, the United States “has the highest rate of circumcision of any Western nation (by FAR the highest as our rates are about 50% and the next closest is Canada with a rate around 10%). We also have the HIGHEST rate of all STDs of any Western nation (including HIV). Developed nations where 98-99% of their boys/men remain intact have the lowest rates of STDs (including HIV). If circumcision ‘protected’ against diseases[,] . . . we would NOT see these figures to such an extreme and obvious degree.” (6)

To be more specific, here is a collection of scientific research on circumcision and STDs:

Cook et al. (1994) were unable to show a definite benefit for circumcision—finding a slight tendency for non-circumcised men to have more syphilis and gonorrhea, but less tendency to have genital warts. Donovan et al. (1994) reported no significant difference between non-circumcised and circumcised men. Van Howe (1999) found circumcised men may be slightly more likely to have urethritis and uncircumcised males may be more prone to genital ulcer disease (GUD). Dickson et al. (2008) found more STD in circumcised men but the difference was not statistically significant. The Fetus and Newborn Committee of the Canadian Paediatric Society found that “circumcision had no significant effect on the incidence of common STDs.” The AAP Task Force (1999) reported that “behavior factors appear to be far more important than circumcision status.” The medical evidence does not support the practice of neonatal circumcision to prevent STDs. (7)

3. Circumcision does not prevent cancer: “Circumcision is ineffective for the prevention of penile cancer.” Scientific research has shown that it makes no difference whether a man is circumcised or intact – his risk of getting penile cancer is virtually unchanged.

What about cervical cancer? Same story. “The risk factors for cervical cancer are infection with human papilloma virus (HPV) and smoking. Risk of infection with HPV is increased by early onset of sexual intercourse and multiple sex partners. There is no clear evidence that male circumcision decreases the risk of infection.” (8)

The American Cancer Society has actually written a letter to combat the myth that circumcision prevents cancer in either men or women. The American Cancer Society’s purpose in writing the letter was “to discourage the American Academy of Pediatrics from promoting routine circumcision as a preventive measure for penile or cervical cancer. The American Cancer Society does not consider routine circumcision to be a valid or effective measure to prevent such cancers.” (9)

Do you still need to be convinced? Think of it this way: “Men have a higher chance of getting BREAST CANCER (0.7% likelihood) than they do of getting penile cancer (0.09%).” (10)

Cutting off an infant’s foreskin to “prevent cancer” is ludicrous.

4. Circumcision does not prevent urinary tract infections (UTIs): UTIs are very rare in boys, whether they are intact or circumcised. “[I]n the first six years of life, the incidence of UTI in boys [is] 1.8 percent[;] in girls it [is] 6.6 percent. . . . When UTI does occur, it is easily treated medically. . . . The consensus of medical opinion is that circumcision is of little, if any, value in reducing UTI.” (11)

The most effective way to combat UTIs in boys and girls? Breastfeeding. Studies have shown that “breastfed infants have only 38% as many UTIs as non-breastfed infants.” (12) The following sticker is incredibly apropos:

Get this sticker and more FREE (or leave a donation) at http://www.tlctugger.com/prodStickers.htm

5. Intact penises are actually cleaner: I love Dr. Dean Edell’s response to this argument:

The most common myth is that it’s cleaner to be circumcised. It’s hard to imagine how this has persisted in an era of soap and running water. But certainly it’s understandable that people do get upset with moist places in the body.

A woman’s reproductive tract is certainly moist and contains lots of bacteria, yet no one would suggest circumcising females to make them cleaner. Intact boys and children have nothing to ‘clean’ and a post-puberty man can rinse his penis just as he would wash any other part of his body, and just as a woman washes her genitals. (13)

The intact penis has special properties to keep itself cleaner than a cut penis. Both the immunological properties and the design of the foreskin help keep the penis properly rinsed and moisturized, much like the eyelid does for the eye. (14)

6. Intact penises do not require special care: The number one rule in raising an intact son? Only clean what is seen.

As mentioned in the last article in this series, the foreskin is actually attached to the glans of the penis at birth, much like your fingernail is attached to the bed of your finger. Parents should NEVER retract an intact penis, the foreskin will separate naturally over the course of years. Remember, the glans is meant to be an internal organ – you do not need to expose, touch, or clean it.

Retracting an intact child before he is ready is painful and can cause bleeding and infections. Parents must be vigilant that no one – not babysitters, doctors, or other well-meaning but ignorant individuals – retract their child’s foreskin. (15)

7. Fathers and sons are not identical – their penises do not have to “match”: We differ from our children in many ways, there is no reason that an infant should be circumcised to “match” his father. Many enlightened circumcised men are raising intact sons.

You do not need to repeat the cycle of ignorance.

Similarly, there is no merit in the “locker room argument,” or the belief that children should “match” their peers. Circumcision rates are falling: in the United States, your intact son has just about as much of a chance as “looking like” the boy in the neighboring locker as he does “looking different” – nationwide, only 56% of our boys are cut. (16)

The decision to physically alter your child’s genitals should never be based on aesthetics. It should be an informed decision based on your child’s lifelong heath and well-being, and it should only be made if there is a valid medically necessary reason.

What Are the Benefits of Circumcision?

Are there benefits to circumcision? Its advocates would have you believe there are, and for some men circumcision might be preferable to staying intact.

Whether there are benefits of circumcision, and more importantly whether those benefits outweigh the risks, is a question that each man should be able to consider himself. Circumcision should be an option for a fully informed individual; it should not be a routine, medically unnecessary procedure performed on infants.

More Resources on Circumcision

Are You Fully Informed? (a comprehensive list of articles and websites devoted to circumcision; the author of “peaceful parenting” holds a PhD in Human Sexuality – she works to educate the public on and put an end to this unnecessary medical procedure)

Circumcision: A Response to Skeptics

The Intactivism Pages

National Organization of Circumcision Information Resource Centers

Third Year Medical Student Describes His First Circumcision Surgery

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On Code Name: Mama, I share information, resources, and my thoughts on natural parenting and life with a toddler. Please take a moment to subscribe to my RSS feed for free updates.

Please see the following sources and the citations within for more information:

(1) Fauntleroy, Gussie, “The Truth About Circumcision and HIV,” http://www.nocirc.org/2008-07_Mothering-Fauntleroy.pdf
(2) Okwemba, Arthur, “HIV Increases in Africa Where Most Men Circumcised,” http://www.drmomma.org/2009/09/hiv-increases-in-africa-where-most-men.html
(3) The Truth About Circumcision and HIV
(4) Coias, Jennifer, “The Nuts and Bolts of HIV in the USA and Why Circumcision Won’t Protect Men,” http://www.drmomma.org/2009/08/nuts-and-bolts-of-hiv-in-usa-and-why.html (The percentages given in the article are actually based on the risk of contracting HIV over a span of sixty years; I said “lifetime” for ease of discussion. Please read the article for clarity.)
(5) Preidt, Robert, “Circumcision Doesn’t Lessen HIV Transmission,” http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Healthday/story?id=8105119&page=1; The Truth About Circumcision and HIV
(6) “Circumcision: A Response to Skeptics,” http://www.drmomma.org/2009/07/circumcision-response-to-skeptics.html
(7) “Doctors Opposing Circumcision Genital Integrity Policy Statement, Chapter 3: Alleged Medical Benefits of Circumcision,” http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcision.org/DOC/statement03.html#n18; see also “Circumcision and Sexually Transmitted Infections,” http://www.cirp.org/library/disease/STD/
(8) Doctors Opposing Circumcision Genital Integrity Policy Statement, Chapter 3: Alleged Medical Benefits of Circumcision
(9) “Letter from the American Cancer Society,” http://www.fathermag.com/health/circ/acs/
(10) “A Dad’s View of Circumcision,” http://www.drmomma.org/2009/10/dads-view-of-circumcision.html
(11) Doctors Opposing Circumcision Genital Integrity Policy Statement, Chapter 3: Alleged Medical Benefits of Circumcision
(12) “Position Statement: The Effects of Circumcision on Breastfeeding,” http://www.nocirc.org/statements/breastfeeding.php; see also “How the Foreskin Protects Against UTI,” http://www.drmomma.org/2009/12/how-foreskin-protects-against-uti.html
(13) Edell, Dean, M.D., “Dr. Dean Edell Statement on Circumcision,” http://www.drmomma.org/2010/02/dr-dean-edell-statement-on-circumcision.html
(14) “Functions of the Foreskin: Purposes of the Prepuce,” http://www.drmomma.org/2009/09/functions-of-foreskin-purposes-of.html
(15) “Raising Intact Sons,” http://www.drmomma.org/2009/11/raising-intact-sons.html; see also National Organization of Circumcision Information Resource Centers, “Answers to Your Questions About Your Young Son’s Intact Penis,” http://www.nocirc.org/publish/4pam.pdf
(16) “United States Circumcision Incidence,” http://www.cirp.org/library/statistics/USA/

Posted in Breastfeeding, Circumcision, Intactivism, Parenting, Pregnancy & Birth | 3 Comments »

Dealing with Children’s Feelings

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

I have been reading “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk.” The very first chapter gave me a lot of “aha” moments, and I wanted to share one today.

Denial: A Common Response

The book begins with the following very simple premise:

There is a direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.

Logical, yes? I thought so. The first chapter asks parents to examine how they help children deal with their feelings. Do any of the following scenarios sound familiar?

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child in snowy hat screamingParent: (As your 6 year old heads back out the door to play again) “It’s cold outside, put your coat on please.”
Child: “I am hot from playing chase.”
Parent: “You can’t be hot, it’s 40 degrees. Wear a coat.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Child: “Mom, I’m hungry.”
Parent: “We just ate 30 minutes ago, you can’t be hungry!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Parent: “What are you doing lying down?”
Child: “I’m sleepy!”
Parent: “You can’t be sleepy, you took a nap today.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Child: “I don’t want to play at Peter’s house.”
Parent: “Don’t be silly, Peter is your friend. Of course you want to play with him!”

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Child: “I’m so mad, I was two minutes late for class and the teacher made me sit in the hall.”
Parent: “You have no right to be mad, it wasn’t your teacher’s fault you were late.”

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In every one of these instances, the parent denied the child’s feelings. The signal that sends to kids is that they should not trust their own feelings or perceptions. The consequence? Arguments, in the short term. Children who are unsure of themselves in the long term. Children who rely on others to tell them how to think, how to act, how to live.

It may seem like we know best, or at least know more, than our children. But what good does it do us to deny our children’s experiences? And does denying a child’s feelings tell them that we love and respect him as a person? Probably not.

Think of it in another way: You and your husband get in a terrible argument. Harsh words are spoken, tears are shed, pictures are thrown, the word “divorce” is uttered more than once. You escape and call your best friend. She invites you over, and you arrive expecting to be able to unload on a sympathetic ear. But instead of listening and empathizing, your best friend says, “you really aren’t that mad at him, are you? You guys have been together forever. Maybe you shouldn’t have yelled at him for coming home late. Does it really matter that he stays out late so often?”

Denial undermines our feelings and experiences. It tells us “whatever you are feeling is wrong. You should not feel that way. There is something wrong with you.”

Other Unhelpful Responses

The authors give another scenario to help us understand how some of our go-to responses may undermine our children’s feelings.

Imagine: Your boss asked you to complete a project by the end of the work day. An hour later, a coworker came to you with a crisis that concerned your biggest account. Frantic, you and your coworker spent hours trying to smooth out the problems. At 5:00 your boss approached you (in front of your coworkers) and asked for the completed project. You tried to explain the crisis, but your boss interrupted angrily. “What the hell am I paying you for? Save your excuses. Don’t leave until the work is done.” Hours later, you are exhausted, humiliated, and still seething from the lashing you got in front of your coworkers. You tell your spouse the story.

How would each of the following responses make you feel? Think about your reactions to each of them.

Denial of Feelings: “There’s no need to be that upset, you’re probably blowing what happened way out of proportion.”

The Philosophical Response: “Well, life is like that sometimes. You just need to take it in stride and do better next time.”

Advice: “You should probably go to your boss and apologize tomorrow morning, but be sure he understands what happened.”

Questions: “What emergency was so important that made you forget your other project? Why didn’t you follow your boss and try to explain?”

Defense of the Other Person: “I can understand your boss’s perspective. He’s probably under a lot of pressure from his superiors.”

Pity: “Oh you poor thing! I feel horrible for you!”

Amateur Psychoanalysis: “Maybe the real reason you are upset is because your boss represents your father figure, and you are reliving clashes with your dad from your teenage years.”

An Empathic Response: “That sounds rough! It would have been hard to take an attack like that in front of other people.”

So how would you have reacted to some of these responses? Personally, the response that would have made me feel the best is the last one. It tells me that my feelings were valid, and that my spouse understands what I am going through.

The same is true of our children. Too often, adults feel the need to advise, problem solve, let kids know that “life is tough,” fire questions at the child, or help the child see the situation from the other person’s viewpoint. But is that always necessary?

To Help with Feelings

The authors of the book go on to talk about the fact that our children can often work things out on their own if parents would only provide a listening, empathetic ear. Here are steps parents can take instead of automatically denying a child’s feelings or giving another unhelpful response to a situation or problem.

1. Listen with full attention.

Put down the newspaper (or close the laptop). Turn off the TV. Look at your child. You can do it!

2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word: “Oh”; “Hmm…”; “I see.”

Restrain yourself from launching into a long response. Just let your child talk it out.

3. Give their feelings a name.

Child: “I wanted to punch Beth when she took my doll.”
Parent: “You were angry that Beth took your doll without asking.”
Child: “Yeah, that really made me mad!”

4. Give them their wishes in fantasy.

Child: “I’m hungry, I want cookies.”
Parent: “You wish you could have a cookie right now.”
Child: “Yes. A chocolate chip cookie!”
Parent: “I wish I could give you a whole package of chocolate chip cookies!”
Child: “Ten packages!”
Parent: “A whole mountain of cookies!”

The book gives numerous examples and suggestions for allowing – and supporting – our children’s feelings and experiences.

Take some time this week to notice how you respond to your children. Write some of those responses down. Do you find yourself denying their feelings? Giving unsolicited advice? Asking lots of questions?

And could a different response have a better result?

On Code Name: Mama, I share information, resources, and my thoughts on natural parenting and life with a toddler. Please take a moment to subscribe to my RSS feed for free updates.

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Discipline, Parenting | 25 Comments »