Code Name: Mama

Acknowledging Children’s Feelings

Monday, March 8th, 2010

Recently I shared some suggestions I found helpful from the first chapter of “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk.” The book begins by listing some of the common ways parents react to statements by their children and offering healthier alternatives. One important step in dealing with children’s feelings is to acknowledge those feelings with words.

It is important to help children identify their emotions. Emotions are such an abstract concept. While there are certain physical qualities of emotions that parents can help point out in others (“Look at how Jane’s shoulders are slumped down and her face looks sad. I wonder if she is feeling lonely because no one is playing with her”), it is even more important to name emotions for your child as she is feeling them.

When your child approaches you with something, resist the urge to give advice or solve the problem. Instead, put a name to the emotion and use just a few words to show you understand how your child is feeling.

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Child:
“I had to give a book report in front of the class, but I couldn’t remember what I’d written. I just stood there forever. Everyone laughed at me!”

Parent:
Instead of “Maybe next time you should rehearse your report in front of the mirror a few times.”
Try “That must have been embarrassing for you!”

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Child:
“I hate playing with Will. He always has to take the best toys and never wants to share.”

Parent:
Instead of “But you really like Will. Maybe you need to try being nicer to him.”
Try “Boy that would be frustrating.”

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Child:
“Ella told me she was going to ask me to stay the night this weekend, but she never called.”

Parent:
Instead of “Well let’s rent a movie and have fun together.”
Try “You sound pretty disappointed that you haven’t heard from her yet.”

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By resisting the urge to solve problems or make everything better, it gives your child the opportunity to struggle through the problem and come up with his own solution. Children need to have experience wrestling with tough emotions and situations. The adult can be there to listen with empathy and reflect the child’s feelings.

The scenarios above are, of course, just the beginning to a longer conversation. Here is an example from the book of a real situation reported by a parent:

A father in our group reported that his young son came storming into the house [and said] “I’d like to punch that Michael in the nose!” The father said, “Normally the conversation would have gone like this:”

Son: I’d like to punch that Michael in the nose!
Father: Why? What happened?
Son: He threw my notebook in the dirt!
Father: Well, did you do something to him first?
Son: No!
Father: Are you sure?
Son: I swear, I never touched him.
Father: Well, Michael is your friend. If you take my advice, you’ll forget the whole thing. You’re not so perfect you know. Sometimes you start up and then blame someone else – the way you do with your brother.
Son: No I don’t. He starts up with me first . . . Oh I can’t talk to you.

But the father had just attended a workshop on helping his children deal with their feelings, and this is what actually took place:

Son: I’d like to punch that Michael in the nose!
Father: Boy, you’re angry!
Son: I’d like to push his fat face in!
Father: You’re that mad at him!
Son: You know what that bully did? He grabbed my notebook at the bus stop and threw it in the dirt. And for no reason!
Father: Hmmm!
Son: I bet he thought I was the one who broke his dumb clay bird in the art room.
Father: You think so.
Son: Yeah, he kept looking at me all the time he was crying.
Father: Oh.
Son: But I didn’t break it. I didn’t!
Father: You know you didn’t.
Son: Well I didn’t do it on purpose! I couldn’t help it if that stupid Debby pushed me into the table.
Father: So Debby pushed you.
Son: Yeah. A lot of things got knocked down, but the only thing that broke was the bird. I didn’t mean to break it. His bird was good.
Father: You really didn’t mean to break it.
Son: No, but he wouldn’t believe me.
Father: You don’t think he’d believe you if you told him the truth.
Son: I dunno . . . I’m gonna tell him anyway – whether he believes me or not. And I think he should tell me he’s sorry for throwing my notebook in the dirt!

The father was astonished. He hadn’t asked questions and yet the child had told him the whole story. He hadn’t given one word of advice and yet the child had worked out his own solution.

So what about you? Do you automatically jump to solving your child’s problems, or do you listen with empathy and encourage her to work through them? I’d love to hear your real life stories.

And if you haven’t ever tried to acknowledge feelings and listen while your child sorts out a problem on his own, I challenge you to give it a shot this week.

On Code Name: Mama, I share information, resources, and my thoughts on natural parenting and life with a toddler. Please take a moment to subscribe to my RSS feed for free updates.

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Discipline, Parenting | 5 Comments »

Dealing with Children’s Feelings

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

I have been reading “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk.” The very first chapter gave me a lot of “aha” moments, and I wanted to share one today.

Denial: A Common Response

The book begins with the following very simple premise:

There is a direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.

Logical, yes? I thought so. The first chapter asks parents to examine how they help children deal with their feelings. Do any of the following scenarios sound familiar?

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Parent: (As your 6 year old heads back out the door to play again) “It’s cold outside, put your coat on please.”
Child: “I am hot from playing chase.”
Parent: “You can’t be hot, it’s 40 degrees. Wear a coat.”

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Child: “Mom, I’m hungry.”
Parent: “We just ate 30 minutes ago, you can’t be hungry!”

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Parent: “What are you doing lying down?”
Child: “I’m sleepy!”
Parent: “You can’t be sleepy, you took a nap today.”

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Child: “I don’t want to play at Peter’s house.”
Parent: “Don’t be silly, Peter is your friend. Of course you want to play with him!”

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Child: “I’m so mad, I was two minutes late for class and the teacher made me sit in the hall.”
Parent: “You have no right to be mad, it wasn’t your teacher’s fault you were late.”

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In every one of these instances, the parent denied the child’s feelings. The signal that sends to kids is that they should not trust their own feelings or perceptions. The consequence? Arguments, in the short term. Children who are unsure of themselves in the long term. Children who rely on others to tell them how to think, how to act, how to live.

It may seem like we know best, or at least know more, than our children. But what good does it do us to deny our children’s experiences? And does denying a child’s feelings tell them that we love and respect him as a person? Probably not.

Think of it in another way: You and your husband get in a terrible argument. Harsh words are spoken, tears are shed, pictures are thrown, the word “divorce” is uttered more than once. You escape and call your best friend. She invites you over, and you arrive expecting to be able to unload on a sympathetic ear. But instead of listening and empathizing, your best friend says, “you really aren’t that mad at him, are you? You guys have been together forever. Maybe you shouldn’t have yelled at him for coming home late. Does it really matter that he stays out late so often?”

Denial undermines our feelings and experiences. It tells us “whatever you are feeling is wrong. You should not feel that way. There is something wrong with you.”

Other Unhelpful Responses

The authors give another scenario to help us understand how some of our go-to responses may undermine our children’s feelings.

Imagine: Your boss asked you to complete a project by the end of the work day. An hour later, a coworker came to you with a crisis that concerned your biggest account. Frantic, you and your coworker spent hours trying to smooth out the problems. At 5:00 your boss approached you (in front of your coworkers) and asked for the completed project. You tried to explain the crisis, but your boss interrupted angrily. “What the hell am I paying you for? Save your excuses. Don’t leave until the work is done.” Hours later, you are exhausted, humiliated, and still seething from the lashing you got in front of your coworkers. You tell your spouse the story.

How would each of the following responses make you feel? Think about your reactions to each of them.

Denial of Feelings: “There’s no need to be that upset, you’re probably blowing what happened way out of proportion.”

The Philosophical Response: “Well, life is like that sometimes. You just need to take it in stride and do better next time.”

Advice: “You should probably go to your boss and apologize tomorrow morning, but be sure he understands what happened.”

Questions: “What emergency was so important that made you forget your other project? Why didn’t you follow your boss and try to explain?”

Defense of the Other Person: “I can understand your boss’s perspective. He’s probably under a lot of pressure from his superiors.”

Pity: “Oh you poor thing! I feel horrible for you!”

Amateur Psychoanalysis: “Maybe the real reason you are upset is because your boss represents your father figure, and you are reliving clashes with your dad from your teenage years.”

An Empathic Response: “That sounds rough! It would have been hard to take an attack like that in front of other people.”

So how would you have reacted to some of these responses? Personally, the response that would have made me feel the best is the last one. It tells me that my feelings were valid, and that my spouse understands what I am going through.

The same is true of our children. Too often, adults feel the need to advise, problem solve, let kids know that “life is tough,” fire questions at the child, or help the child see the situation from the other person’s viewpoint. But is that always necessary?

To Help with Feelings

The authors of the book go on to talk about the fact that our children can often work things out on their own if parents would only provide a listening, empathetic ear. Here are steps parents can take instead of automatically denying a child’s feelings or giving another unhelpful response to a situation or problem.

1. Listen with full attention.

Put down the newspaper (or close the laptop). Turn off the TV. Look at your child. You can do it!

2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word: “Oh”; “Hmm…”; “I see.”

Restrain yourself from launching into a long response. Just let your child talk it out.

3. Give their feelings a name.

Child: “I wanted to punch Beth when she took my doll.”
Parent: “You were angry that Beth took your doll without asking.”
Child: “Yeah, that really made me mad!”

4. Give them their wishes in fantasy.

Child: “I’m hungry, I want cookies.”
Parent: “You wish you could have a cookie right now.”
Child: “Yes. A chocolate chip cookie!”
Parent: “I wish I could give you a whole package of chocolate chip cookies!”
Child: “Ten packages!”
Parent: “A whole mountain of cookies!”

The book gives numerous examples and suggestions for allowing – and supporting – our children’s feelings and experiences.

Take some time this week to notice how you respond to your children. Write some of those responses down. Do you find yourself denying their feelings? Giving unsolicited advice? Asking lots of questions?

And could a different response have a better result?

On Code Name: Mama, I share information, resources, and my thoughts on natural parenting and life with a toddler. Please take a moment to subscribe to my RSS feed for free updates.

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Discipline, Parenting | 25 Comments »