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Acknowledging Children’s Feelings

Monday, March 8th, 2010

Recently I shared some suggestions I found helpful from the first chapter of “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk.” The book begins by listing some of the common ways parents react to statements by their children and offering healthier alternatives. One important step in dealing with children’s feelings is to acknowledge those feelings with words.

It is important to help children identify their emotions. Emotions are such an abstract concept. While there are certain physical qualities of emotions that parents can help point out in others (“Look at how Jane’s shoulders are slumped down and her face looks sad. I wonder if she is feeling lonely because no one is playing with her”), it is even more important to name emotions for your child as she is feeling them.

When your child approaches you with something, resist the urge to give advice or solve the problem. Instead, put a name to the emotion and use just a few words to show you understand how your child is feeling.

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sad toddler boy sits in blue laundry basket
Child:
“I had to give a book report in front of the class, but I couldn’t remember what I’d written. I just stood there forever. Everyone laughed at me!”

Parent:
Instead of “Maybe next time you should rehearse your report in front of the mirror a few times.”
Try “That must have been embarrassing for you!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Child:
“I hate playing with Will. He always has to take the best toys and never wants to share.”

Parent:
Instead of “But you really like Will. Maybe you need to try being nicer to him.”
Try “Boy that would be frustrating.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Child:
“Ella told me she was going to ask me to stay the night this weekend, but she never called.”

Parent:
Instead of “Well let’s rent a movie and have fun together.”
Try “You sound pretty disappointed that you haven’t heard from her yet.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

By resisting the urge to solve problems or make everything better, it gives your child the opportunity to struggle through the problem and come up with his own solution. Children need to have experience wrestling with tough emotions and situations. The adult can be there to listen with empathy and reflect the child’s feelings.

The scenarios above are, of course, just the beginning to a longer conversation. Here is an example from the book of a real situation reported by a parent:

A father in our group reported that his young son came storming into the house [and said] “I’d like to punch that Michael in the nose!” The father said, “Normally the conversation would have gone like this:”

Son: I’d like to punch that Michael in the nose!
Father: Why? What happened?
Son: He threw my notebook in the dirt!
Father: Well, did you do something to him first?
Son: No!
Father: Are you sure?
Son: I swear, I never touched him.
Father: Well, Michael is your friend. If you take my advice, you’ll forget the whole thing. You’re not so perfect you know. Sometimes you start up and then blame someone else – the way you do with your brother.
Son: No I don’t. He starts up with me first . . . Oh I can’t talk to you.

But the father had just attended a workshop on helping his children deal with their feelings, and this is what actually took place:

Son: I’d like to punch that Michael in the nose!
Father: Boy, you’re angry!
Son: I’d like to push his fat face in!
Father: You’re that mad at him!
Son: You know what that bully did? He grabbed my notebook at the bus stop and threw it in the dirt. And for no reason!
Father: Hmmm!
Son: I bet he thought I was the one who broke his dumb clay bird in the art room.
Father: You think so.
Son: Yeah, he kept looking at me all the time he was crying.
Father: Oh.
Son: But I didn’t break it. I didn’t!
Father: You know you didn’t.
Son: Well I didn’t do it on purpose! I couldn’t help it if that stupid Debby pushed me into the table.
Father: So Debby pushed you.
Son: Yeah. A lot of things got knocked down, but the only thing that broke was the bird. I didn’t mean to break it. His bird was good.
Father: You really didn’t mean to break it.
Son: No, but he wouldn’t believe me.
Father: You don’t think he’d believe you if you told him the truth.
Son: I dunno . . . I’m gonna tell him anyway – whether he believes me or not. And I think he should tell me he’s sorry for throwing my notebook in the dirt!

The father was astonished. He hadn’t asked questions and yet the child had told him the whole story. He hadn’t given one word of advice and yet the child had worked out his own solution.

So what about you? Do you automatically jump to solving your child’s problems, or do you listen with empathy and encourage her to work through them? I’d love to hear your real life stories.

And if you haven’t ever tried to acknowledge feelings and listen while your child sorts out a problem on his own, I challenge you to give it a shot this week.

On Code Name: Mama, I share information, resources, and my thoughts on natural parenting and life with a toddler. Please take a moment to subscribe to my RSS feed for free updates.

Photo Credit: SWQBRAOriginal Here

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Discipline, Parenting | 5 Comments »

Dealing with Children’s Feelings

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

I have been reading “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk.” The very first chapter gave me a lot of “aha” moments, and I wanted to share one today.

Denial: A Common Response

The book begins with the following very simple premise:

There is a direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.

Logical, yes? I thought so. The first chapter asks parents to examine how they help children deal with their feelings. Do any of the following scenarios sound familiar?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

child in snowy hat screamingParent: (As your 6 year old heads back out the door to play again) “It’s cold outside, put your coat on please.”
Child: “I am hot from playing chase.”
Parent: “You can’t be hot, it’s 40 degrees. Wear a coat.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Child: “Mom, I’m hungry.”
Parent: “We just ate 30 minutes ago, you can’t be hungry!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Parent: “What are you doing lying down?”
Child: “I’m sleepy!”
Parent: “You can’t be sleepy, you took a nap today.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Child: “I don’t want to play at Peter’s house.”
Parent: “Don’t be silly, Peter is your friend. Of course you want to play with him!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Child: “I’m so mad, I was two minutes late for class and the teacher made me sit in the hall.”
Parent: “You have no right to be mad, it wasn’t your teacher’s fault you were late.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

In every one of these instances, the parent denied the child’s feelings. The signal that sends to kids is that they should not trust their own feelings or perceptions. The consequence? Arguments, in the short term. Children who are unsure of themselves in the long term. Children who rely on others to tell them how to think, how to act, how to live.

It may seem like we know best, or at least know more, than our children. But what good does it do us to deny our children’s experiences? And does denying a child’s feelings tell them that we love and respect him as a person? Probably not.

Think of it in another way: You and your husband get in a terrible argument. Harsh words are spoken, tears are shed, pictures are thrown, the word “divorce” is uttered more than once. You escape and call your best friend. She invites you over, and you arrive expecting to be able to unload on a sympathetic ear. But instead of listening and empathizing, your best friend says, “you really aren’t that mad at him, are you? You guys have been together forever. Maybe you shouldn’t have yelled at him for coming home late. Does it really matter that he stays out late so often?”

Denial undermines our feelings and experiences. It tells us “whatever you are feeling is wrong. You should not feel that way. There is something wrong with you.”

Other Unhelpful Responses

The authors give another scenario to help us understand how some of our go-to responses may undermine our children’s feelings.

Imagine: Your boss asked you to complete a project by the end of the work day. An hour later, a coworker came to you with a crisis that concerned your biggest account. Frantic, you and your coworker spent hours trying to smooth out the problems. At 5:00 your boss approached you (in front of your coworkers) and asked for the completed project. You tried to explain the crisis, but your boss interrupted angrily. “What the hell am I paying you for? Save your excuses. Don’t leave until the work is done.” Hours later, you are exhausted, humiliated, and still seething from the lashing you got in front of your coworkers. You tell your spouse the story.

How would each of the following responses make you feel? Think about your reactions to each of them.

Denial of Feelings: “There’s no need to be that upset, you’re probably blowing what happened way out of proportion.”

The Philosophical Response: “Well, life is like that sometimes. You just need to take it in stride and do better next time.”

Advice: “You should probably go to your boss and apologize tomorrow morning, but be sure he understands what happened.”

Questions: “What emergency was so important that made you forget your other project? Why didn’t you follow your boss and try to explain?”

Defense of the Other Person: “I can understand your boss’s perspective. He’s probably under a lot of pressure from his superiors.”

Pity: “Oh you poor thing! I feel horrible for you!”

Amateur Psychoanalysis: “Maybe the real reason you are upset is because your boss represents your father figure, and you are reliving clashes with your dad from your teenage years.”

An Empathic Response: “That sounds rough! It would have been hard to take an attack like that in front of other people.”

So how would you have reacted to some of these responses? Personally, the response that would have made me feel the best is the last one. It tells me that my feelings were valid, and that my spouse understands what I am going through.

The same is true of our children. Too often, adults feel the need to advise, problem solve, let kids know that “life is tough,” fire questions at the child, or help the child see the situation from the other person’s viewpoint. But is that always necessary?

To Help with Feelings

The authors of the book go on to talk about the fact that our children can often work things out on their own if parents would only provide a listening, empathetic ear. Here are steps parents can take instead of automatically denying a child’s feelings or giving another unhelpful response to a situation or problem.

1. Listen with full attention.

Put down the newspaper (or close the laptop). Turn off the TV. Look at your child. You can do it!

2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word: “Oh”; “Hmm…”; “I see.”

Restrain yourself from launching into a long response. Just let your child talk it out.

3. Give their feelings a name.

Child: “I wanted to punch Beth when she took my doll.”
Parent: “You were angry that Beth took your doll without asking.”
Child: “Yeah, that really made me mad!”

4. Give them their wishes in fantasy.

Child: “I’m hungry, I want cookies.”
Parent: “You wish you could have a cookie right now.”
Child: “Yes. A chocolate chip cookie!”
Parent: “I wish I could give you a whole package of chocolate chip cookies!”
Child: “Ten packages!”
Parent: “A whole mountain of cookies!”

The book gives numerous examples and suggestions for allowing – and supporting – our children’s feelings and experiences.

Take some time this week to notice how you respond to your children. Write some of those responses down. Do you find yourself denying their feelings? Giving unsolicited advice? Asking lots of questions?

And could a different response have a better result?

On Code Name: Mama, I share information, resources, and my thoughts on natural parenting and life with a toddler. Please take a moment to subscribe to my RSS feed for free updates.

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Discipline, Parenting | 25 Comments »

February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Co-Parents

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

Welcome to the February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Love and partners! This is the second monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we’re writing about how a co-parent has or has not supported us in our dedication to natural parenting. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants. ******

A Love Letter

Dear Tom, For this month’s Natural Parenting Carnival, I am supposed to write about how a co-parent has supported my own journey in natural parenting, but all I want to do is say thank you. Thank you for helping me learn about natural childbirth. Thank you for watching countless natural labor and delivery videos with me while I squeezed your hand, for visiting midwives with me in order to find a good fit, for understanding the value in birthing outside of a hospital, and for calming my fears when I doubted my ability to have our baby naturally. Thank you for walking through 31 hours of labor with me, and for staying in that NICU room with us for the next five days. If anything cemented our bond as a family, it was those long and intense six days. Thank you for recognizing the importance of leaving our son intact. Thank you reading the research on why circumcision is not a healthy decision. Many, many thank you’s for being comfortable with sharing our decision with friends and family, and for passing information along to your friends who are about to become parents. Thank you for helping us establish a successful breastfeeding relationship. When Kieran was a newborn you tirelessly helped me to pump, correct Kieran’s bad latch, and work the little feeding tube in while Kieran was nursing in order to supplement him with expressed milk. You rarely complained whenever you had to get me glass upon glass of water, bring me snacks, or dry my hormonal tears. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it without you regularly hugging me close and telling me I was giving our son the best start. Thank you for helping me feel comfortable nursing in public. How many women can say that a man has helped normalize breastfeeding for them? You have done that for me. You have always been by my side, never to cover me up or make me feel ashamed, but rather to stand with me as one united front against the world. You make me confident. Thank you for recognizing the benefits of full-term breastfeeding. You act as if you have been around breastfeeding toddlers your entire life – our friends may be surprised to know that Kieran was your first breastfeeding experience ever. You make it easy to forget that we are not living according to mainstream standards – I love that. Thank you for welcoming Kieran into our family bed. It has been such a blessing to wake up with both of you every day. Thank you for utilizing our entire babywearing stash without complaint – even the pink and orange tie dye ring sling. Thank you for listening to me read article after article on gentle discipline, noncoercive parenting, and the benefits of giving Kieran the same love and respect we want ourselves. Thank you for helping me research our health care decisions (including vaccinations), for listening to and challenging my arguments, and for making sure that we are making the right choices for our family. Thank you for jumping feet first on the environmental bandwagon with me. The environmentally conscious habits we are creating are already second nature to Kieran. Thank you, thank you, thank you for believing in the value of having me stay home with Kieran. I understand that losing my income was a struggle and a sacrifice for you, and I’m not sure you will ever realize how very much it means to me. Thank you for coming around to the idea of homeschooling Kieran. I look forward to both of us having a part in helping Kieran explore and learn about the world. Thank you for giving me time to recharge my batteries and for encouraging me to express myself in creative ways. Every project I have attempted in the past two years is due in part to you. You help me find balance, and you help me remember that I am an individual on top of being a mama. I don’t say it often enough, but thank you for the husband and father you have become. I hear mothers worry every day that their partners do not support their choices. It is a very rare occurrence that we disagree about how to best parent Kieran, and I am so happy that we see eye to eye. This journey of fatherhood has not always been easy for you. You have felt unprepared at times and ostracized at others, but you keep going, growing, and learning. Thank you for modeling that for Kieran. You are my foundation and my support, and you are an incredibly positive example for others. I love you, ~Dionna ****** Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting! Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants: (This list will be updated Feb. 9 with all the carnival links, and all links should be active by noon EST. Go to Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama for the most recently updated list.)

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Carnival of Natural Parenting, Family Life, My Family, Parenting | 21 Comments »

Roll Over, I’m Crowded!

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

We have co-slept with Kieran since the beginning. I had a bassinet that I tried to use a few times – he had none of it. Along with breastfeeding, co-sleeping is one of the most convenient things we’ve done as parents. We have never had to get up in the middle of the night to either make a bottle or leave the bed to tend to a crying baby, and that has been wonderful for our sleep. Now that Kieran is a toddler, however, co-sleeping is becoming more of a challenge.

For some reason, many toddlers have a tendency to flail and spread out in bed.
Everywhere.
I am woken up several times each night because I feel Kieran flipping over and kicking Tom, so I wrestle him back over with me. Invariably, Kieran and I both end up crowding Tom by the end of the night, who has to fight for both bed space and the sheet. We have a queen size bed right now, but we have outgrown its usefulness.

Make yourself comfortable, kid!

Consequently, we have been on the hunt for a king size bed. We think we have it narrowed down to this memory foam bed from Costco, but I hate buying a bed without being able to lie down in it first. If anyone has any experience with NovaForm from Costco, I’m interested in hearing your story. Personally, I wish we could just put another bed down next to ours. We could just have a room full of beds! But Tom is drooling over memory foam.

Why do we continue to co-sleep, you may wonder? Well, for many of the same reasons we started out that way. Here are a few of our reasons:

1) Convenience: like I said before, there was nothing easier than nursing in bed and falling asleep with Kieran. It took me a few months of nursing before I was able to do it in my sleep, but we have it down to a science now. And since we’re still nursing to sleep (and many other times each day), it’s still convenient to have Kieran in our bed.

2) Bonding: what better way to form a solid attachment to both parents than snuggling up with them every night? I can’t tell you the hours Tom and I spent just staring in awe at the little life nestled in bed with us. Along these same lines, Tom can tell you that I hate sleeping without him; my thoughts on Kieran in his own bed are – why would he want to sleep alone either? He’s just a little guy! I’m not forcing him into his own bed until he’s ready.

3) Health: skin to skin contact is so essential for a new baby; it can act as pain intervention, it can help stabilize heartrate and breathing as well as reduce crying, it is an essential part of establishing a breastfeeding relationship, it completes brain growth/development, and more. I also felt more secure as a new mama having such close contact with my baby.

4) Sleep: all of us have gotten hours more sleep with Kieran in bed. As a baby nurses, the mother produces a special hormone which acts as a sleep aid for both mother and baby. It was easy for us to drift off during breastfeeding! And having Kieran in bed meant never getting up to tend to him when he was sick, wet, or just restless. (For the record, we also do not believe in “crying it out” or “Ferberizing” kids: it is psychologically and physically damaging to babies and is simply disrespectful to babies’ needs. This blogger describes my feelings on CIO exactly.) And even though Kieran is in the midst of the toddler nighttime Olympics (a close cousin of the breastfeeding Olympics, by the way), we still get much more sleep than if we had to get up several times a night to go settle him back to sleep in a separate bed. Kieran simply doesn’t sleep well on his own – and yes, we envy those parents who have the rare good sleepers. But it is much more common for kids (and adults) to wake up many times each night. (For a really quick lesson on sleep cycles, read pages 41-47 of the No Cry Sleep Solution, available in this Google Book Preview.)

Those reasons have been compelling enough to keep Kieran in the family bed. It may not work for every family, but we are quite happy with it. Well, if happiness includes a toddler’s foot in your eye.

Have a restful evening,
~d

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Breastfeeding, Co-sleeping, Kids' Health, Toddlerhood | 12 Comments »

Toddler 10 Commandments

Tuesday, September 8th, 2009

My husband, Tom, once remarked that he wished there was some quick and dirty parenting guide. He doesn’t have time to read all of the parenting books after I’m done with them, and he doesn’t particularly like to hear me quote entire passages. Go figure.

His wish is (sometimes) my command, so I set out to make him a list. I went back through several books I’d recently read: Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting, Lieberman’s Emotional Life of the Toddler, Cohen’s Playful Parenting, and half of Aldort’s Raising Children Raising Ourselves (I’m still finishing that one), and asked for the collective wisdom of my seasoned mama friends. I pared down a 10 page Word doc into a page and a half that I entitled “The Toddler Ten Commandments.”

There are a few minor corrections I should make to that title: 1) I could name it something with more originality, but the “10 Commandments” has such a ring, doesn’t it? I can’t put my finger on it . . .; 2) Ever hear that lawyers can’t do math? It’s a little true. There are actually 14 “commandments” on my list, but again, 10 is nice and round; 3) The word “toddler” could be removed from the title – most of these will apply to kiddos of all ages, but that’s where we are in life at the moment; and 4) of course these “commandments” aren’t really that – they are suggestions, and not everyone will like all of them. I compiled them based on our experiences and struggles as parents so far. 


So without further ado, I give you the Toddler 10 Commandments. I included a few links if you’re interested in reading a little more on the ideas.

1. Keep your eye on long-term goals. Toddler “behaviors” will fade; what will remain is how your child feels about himself and his relationship with you, which is based on how you react to those “behaviors.”

2. Take the child’s perspective. Sure it’s hard to be a parent, but it can be a lot harder to be a kid. We don’t mean to make children feel foolish or unsupported, but that’s just what happens when we trivialize their fears or tears by saying “shhh, you’re ok,” or “don’t be so upset,” etc.

3. Let your child make his own decisions. Our default position ought to be to let kids make decisions about matters that concern them except when there is a compelling reason for us to override that right. We should be prepared to justify why, in each case, kids shouldn’t be allowed to choose. The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions.

4. Reconsider your requests. Perhaps when your child doesn’t do what you’re demanding the problem isn’t with the child but with what it is you’re demanding.

5. Remember SALVE:
(S) separate yourself and your emotions from your child’s behavior to be sure you’re TRULY about to respond to your child, and not as a result of some crap in your life/childhood. (If it helps, run through any angry words in your mind, then get rid of them before speaking gently to your child.)
(A) give your kid full, honest attention;
(L) fully listen, be present for your child;
(V) validate your child’s feelings without adding your own (“I see you want ___,” “you were disappointed because ____”);
(E) empower your child to solve the upset himself. Believe in him; don’t rush to “fix” him.

6. Don’t say “no” unnecessarily. “Yes” should be our default response, such that you need a good reason not to go along with what’s being proposed, or to step in and forbid something.

7. Change the way you see behavior. Try to see behavior as “unmet needs” rather than infractions that call for “consequences.” Don’t take behavior personally! A toddler isn’t trying to hurt or inconvenience you or “misbehave.”

8. Respect your child. We can’t always assume that because we’re more mature, we necessarily have more insight into our children than they have into themselves.

9. Keep her age in mind.

10. Stop saying “good job.” Break the habit of saying “good job/sharing!” or “you’re such a great helper!” or “I like the way you . . .” Instead, try “describing, rather than evaluating (“there’s something new on the people you drew, there are toes”); explaining the effects of the child’s action on other people (“you set the table, that makes things a lot easier on me while I’m cooking”); asking, rather than judging (why did you decide to give some of your brownie to Michael when you didn’t have to?”).

11. Give her undivided attention. Don’t just occupy the same space, interact. It’s easy to feel distracted by emails or bills, and it’s fine to multi-task sometimes, but make sure your child gets a good portion of your total attention so they know how very important they are to you. Give them affection without limit, without reservations, and without excuse. Pay as much attention to them as you can, regardless of mood or circumstance. Let them know you’re delighted to be with them, that you care about them no matter what happens. This basic posture is completely different from praise, which is doled out as a response to something a child does.

12. Talk less, ask more, and wait. Step back and let your child figure things out. Wait for him to ask you for help. He may not. He may figure it out alone or he may do something else entirely, and that’s o.k.

13. Talk about appropriate behaviors. Try “please use gentle touches” instead of “stop hitting.”

14. Enjoy the journey – they grow up too fast. Don’t be in such a hurry!


Thanks for reading, let me know what you think!
~d

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Parenting, Toddlerhood | 5 Comments »