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101 Things To Do Instead of Yelling or Spanking

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

angry woman screamingIf you have come to a point in a challenging situation with your child where you feel that the only thing left to do is to yell at or strike your child, step away from the child.

Here are 101 things you can do instead of yelling or spanking:

  1. Take a parental time-out.
  2. Call for help from a friend or family member (ask them to give you an immediate break if possible).
  3. Pile everyone in the car and drive to the park (or anywhere – just go for a change of scenery).
  4. Sing a silly song about how angry you are.
  5. Do jumping jacks.
  6. Draw your feelings out.
  7. Make yourself your favorite snack.
  8. Write down 3 instances when you felt intense love for your child.
  9. Clean out your clothes closet and set aside a bag for Goodwill (now would probably not be a good time to do this with the kids’ toys).
  10. Change the subject – come back to it when you and your child are calmer.
  11. Whisper.
  12. Practice progressive relaxation.
  13. Act like animals: stomp like an elephant, growl like a lion, etc.
  14. Run around the house (or around the block if your children have alternate childcare).
  15. Do a load of laundry.
  16. Set out clothes for the kids for the next week (or do some other task that will pay off later).
  17. Release tension: shake your shoulders, roll your neck, etc.
  18. Count to 100. Out loud. In a robot voice.
  19. Immerse yourself in an easy craft project.
  20. Dust off the hedge clippers and trim your trees or other landscaping.
  21. If your child allows it, give him a huge hug and tell him you love him.
  22. Scream into a pillow.
  23. Bake cookies (with help from your child), bring some to a neighbor or your local fire department.
  24. Dance to your favorite song.
  25. Instead of yelling at your kids to do something, act out your request in a game of charades or pictionary.
  26. Pluck your eyebrows.
  27. Clean out the refrigerator.
  28. Bang your head – to some loud music.
  29. Write down the angry words you could have said, then rip the paper up and throw it away.
  30. Do some yoga.
  31. Rearrange the furniture.
  32. Make a list of the many reasons you love your child.
  33. Wash the car by hand.
  34. Laugh in as many different ways as you can think of (think Mary Poppins).
  35. Take everyone and go sit in a car wash. Choose the option for colored soap.
  36. Chocolate.
  37. Call a friend who supports gentle discipline (think about finding a “gentle discipline partner” who you can talk to anytime you feel the urge to yell or spank).
  38. Fall down theatrically on the floor. Lie there long enough to collect yourself.
  39. Pay bills.
  40. Keep a roll of tape handy – use it on your mouth.
  41. Squeeze a stress ball.
  42. Recite multiplication tables.
  43. Stand as silent and still as possible.
  44. Paint your nails.
  45. Do 25 sit-ups.
  46. Finish a task you’ve been putting off.
  47. Listen to an audio book.
  48. Take a bubble bath.
  49. Ask a silly question. Ask another.
  50. Take a walk around your neighborhood or a park and clean up the trash.
  51. Run up and down the stairs.
  52. Paint on different mediums (paper, rocks, your windows, etc.).
  53. Write a story using only 100 words.
  54. Cook a meal for the freezer.
  55. Look at pictures of your child when she was a baby.
  56. Play Solitaire (or whatever game strikes your fancy).
  57. Brew some of your favorite tea or coffee. Have a tea party.
  58. Sweep, vacuum, or mop.
  59. Learn something new online.
  60. Play with Playdough or clay.
  61. Put a movie on for the kids; have sex with your partner.
  62. Take a shower.
  63. Organize meal plans for the next week. Or month. Or year.
  64. Set up an obstacle course for you and your kids to do (inside or out).
  65. Instead of shouting something angrily, shout “I love you!!”
  66. Make up a rhyme about how much you love your child. Recite it while standing on your head.
  67. Play ball (basketball, throw a tennis ball against a wall, play catch with someone, etc.).
  68. Take artsy pictures.
  69. Make a PostSecret postcard.
  70. Pull weeds.
  71. Decoupage something.
  72. Blow bubbles.
  73. Make a list of “things I would rather do than engage in power struggles with my child.”
  74. Trade roles with your child: pretend you are the little, and she is the adult.
  75. Reorganize a closet or cabinet.
  76. Roll around on an exercise ball.
  77. Make bread or pizza dough (the kind you have to knead).
  78. Form a drum circle: everyone grab a drum or a pot, and start playing.
  79. Build a tower out of books (or anything handy). Knock it down.
  80. Gather the kids for a nature walk around the block.
  81. Have a few funny videos saved on YouTube to watch when you need a break.
  82. Take silly pictures of yourself. Invite your child to help.
  83. Ask your Facebook or Twitter friends to tell you a joke.
  84. Scrub the shower.
  85. Write a poem (it doesn’t have to be a good one).
  86. Send postcards to random people.
  87. Make a silly (and unrelated) announcement. (“For the rest of the day, everyone must hop on one foot when moving about the house!”)
  88. Make funny faces. Tell your child that no matter what, they must not laugh.
  89. Turn on a videocamera. Turn the opportunity into one of love and connection that you can be proud of later.
  90. Play an instrument.
  91. Take the family to a park with sidewalk chalk: write/draw inspirational messages/pictures.
  92. Learn how to say a few words in another language (ASL, Spanish, etc.).
  93. Floss.
  94. Jump rope.
  95. Do something nice for someone else. (Involve your child if he wants to help.)
  96. Write your feelings down on paper.
  97. Meditate or pray.
  98. Hug your child’s teddy bear or doll and talk about how much you love your child (while your child is watching, if you’d like).
  99. Look into a mirror and realize what your child is seeing when you are angry.
  100. Remember your child is young, and innocent, and loves you, and needs to trust you.
  101. Take a minute to calm down and breastfeed your child. (It’s hard to be angry at a child who is nursing, plus the act of breastfeeding releases hormones that will help calm both of you down.)

The bottom line is to not scream at or hit your child. It’s ok to step away from the situation or to defuse a fight by using laughter or love instead of instantly turning to discipline or punishment. If you are trying to “teach” your child something, she will not learn when you are approaching her with anger – whether it is in your voice or in your hand. All she will feel is fear.

Talk about it when both you and your child are calm. Chances are, you will both feel better about the outcome.

What do you do when you need a moment to compose yourself?

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Discipline, Parenting | 86 Comments »

Gentle Parenting Ideas: Traveling with Toddlers

Monday, August 30th, 2010

This post is the sixth in a series about gentle parenting through potential power struggles with your toddler. Each post will give you ideas and examples for using love and logic to work through some fairly common parent/toddler areas of concern: brushing teeth, getting into the car seat, meals/eating, shopping, diaper changes, picking up toys, and traveling. I welcome your gentle/respectful parenting ideas and feedback; thank you to everyone who has already contributed ideas.

2009-10-10 01
Ideas to Make Traveling with Toddlers a Positive Experience

Storytelling: Take turns telling getting creative with your toddler by telling stories. Trust me, your stories don’t need to be bestsellers to keep your child’s attention.

Audio Books: When you get tired of spinning your own yarns, let someone else do it for you. Check out audio books from your local library and listen to them together.

Sing: Whether you are singing alone, with your toddler, or with the radio or a CD, make music! They Might Be Giants have some fun kids’ songs that are also easy on adult ears.

Occupy their Hands: Bring along a simple activity that will require their concentration and some dexterity. Tie some loose knots in a piece of smooth rope and ask your toddler to untie the knots. Try a nuts and bolts toy (we own and enjoy this nice wooden version from Plan Toys, but as long as you are supervising you could try the real things). Bring lacing cards (here are some cute dinosaur ones; we got primary color shape lacing cards cheap from US Toy). Buy some stickers and let them stick them on the in-flight magazine or some old paper from home.

Check Out the Scenery: Don’t let the world pass you by without talking about it. Remember that every new experience builds new pathways in your little one’s brain – help make the traveling experience rich by talking about what you see outside of your window. If you can, try taking pictures of it to revisit with your toddler later, you might be surprised by how much she remembers.

Take Funny Pictures: Let your toddler get into the memory making mood by both taking funny pictures of him (at roadside attractions, in his car seat), and by letting him take pictures too. You can create a memory book later if you are so inclined.

Snacks: Don’t forget that your little one will want some healthy calories at regular intervals. Keep an assortment of portable snacks ready.

Bring Non-Toys: Most toddlers can amuse themselves for at least 15 minutes with a simple roll of blue painter’s tape or a pad of Post-it notes. What other non-toy objects might your little one be interested in?

Play Games: Play “I Spy” or the Alphabet Game (find each letter of the alphabet on signs, etc.). Make up a picture bingo game – make cards with pictures of horses, buses, stop signs, etc. and see how many your child can find.

Something New: Kids might get tired of crayons at home, but there is something magical about a new box. Bring small new toys along and open one on each travel day (or one every few hours). New stickers, new books, etc.

Light Them Up: Traveling at night? Invest a few dollars in glow in the dark bracelets, necklaces, fans, or other toys. Nothing says fun in a dark car like glowing neon chemicals! We got ours from the dollar aisle of Target, you can also find them cheap at Dollar Stores and on Amazon.

Travel-Friendly Toys: Most parents agree that toys like Etch-a-Sketch, ViewFinder, Finger/Hand Puppets, interactive books (I Spy, lift the flap)

Magnetic Puzzles/Stories: Create your own magnets using photographs or card stock. Cut them up into puzzles or let your toddler use them to make stories. (There are some more great make-your-own ideas on that link!)

Portable Activity Bags: What can you do with some pieces of yarn and a square of sandpaper? Create art! That idea and many more are on The Sunny Patch’s Activity Bags for Preschoolers page (not all travel friendly).

Take Frequent Breaks: Please don’t expect your toddler to sit for hours on end – they are used to being much more active and on the move. Plan frequent pit stops into your drive time, or let them get up and wander when possible if you’re on a plane or train. You may also want to try to schedule travel around your child’s normal nap schedule (although this may not work for some kids).

What ideas do you have to help make traveling a good experience? Please share them in the comments.

http://thesunnypatch.blogspot.com/2007/09/activity-bags-for-preschoolers.html

Posted in Activities for Toddlers, Arts & Crafts, Attachment Parenting, Creative/Dramatic Play, Discipline, Educational, Fun & Games, Music, Parenting, Sensory, Toddlerhood | 7 Comments »

The Joys of Breastfeeding Past Infancy #20

Friday, August 27th, 2010

Today I am happy to host a guest post by Heather. Heather (aka Mommypotamus) is a SAHM that will be welcoming her second child via home waterbirth any day now. She loves to nurture her family through delicious local, organic meals and practices natural parenting methods like full-term breastfeeding, cloth diapering and elimination communication. One of her favorite pastimes is combating extended breastfeeding myths via her blog. Here is her breastfeeding guest post:
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Mommy’s Ewetuhwus!

Of all the concepts I have tried to teach my toddler, one required no instruction at all. With a few storyline adjustments to “What To Expect When Mommy’s Having a Baby” (like having the mommy rush home from the grocery store to have her baby instead of going to the hospital) Katie was well on her way to understanding all about the little life growing in my tummy. Uterus, pronounced “ewe-tuh-wus,” became her favorite word, and before long she began whispering sweet nothings to my belly at bedtime. That was when I heard this:

I love you, baby. When you come out I will hold you and mommy will nurse you. You will drink this side and I will drink this side!”

I Love This Girl!

It was then that I realized that despite my inattention to this particular detail, she had reached her own conclusions on tandem nursing. I suppose it is a good thing that I was already planning on it, since she obviously expected nothing less.

Nursing while pregnant has not been particularly easy for me. There are some perks, to be sure. In my house eating is a rich, sensual experience and the privilege of eating for three without expanding in every direction (not referring to the baby bump, of course) is simply delightful.

Also, breastfeeding has helped her cope with some of the changes that came with my pregnancy. Physical closeness has always been one of the defining characteristics of our relationship, but because of a small diastasis I am not supposed to pick her up anymore. Since I have carried her in a sling (or in my arms), slept with her and nursed her for her entire life, she seemed hurt and confused by the change. However, my ability to continue breastfeeding made it easier to soothe her feelings of rejection. But that’s not my favorite reason . . .

The “Talk”

No, I’m not referring to that talk. Most children are weaned before they can articulate their feelings about breastfeeding. But those that aren’t sure do have a lot to say! One of my greatest joys in breastfeeding is the affection my daughter expresses toward the subject. Our nursing sessions are full of amusing conversations like the one in which she gave baby the “tandem nursing” talk. Here’s another one I will always remember:

One day she nursed briefly on one side and quickly requested the other.
Me: “No. Finish this side.”
Katie: “Why mommy”
Me: “Because I don’t want you to get all the sugary foremilk and no creamy hindmilk.”
Katie: “Ohhhh!”

Later that day she walked up to me and said, “Mommy, I want some cream and sugar.” I had no idea what she was talking about, but then it hit me. I couldn’t stop smiling!

Already Worth the Trouble

Like I said earlier, though, nursing while pregnant hasn’t all been rainbows and butterflies. Both soreness and the awkwardness of getting her over my baby bump to my breasts have presented some real challenges, but now that I’m 35+ weeks along I can already say it has all been worth it. Here’s why: Babies and toddlers are in hyperdrive when it comes to growth and development. So many things change in them and around them. Every day holds something new, challenging, exciting . . . even scary.

Although I wouldn’t put the arrival of a new sibling into the scary category, I imagine it can be quite unsettling for many firstborns. Especially during this time of transition I hope that breastfeeding will remain an open door to comfort, safety and reassurance for my toddler.

Do I think breastfeeding is the only way to comfort a toddler? Of course not. But because of its deeply ingrained connection with comfort, I believe it is one of the best tools a mom can have. My own experience tells me that where other techniques fail, breastfeeding is able to penetrate a child’s experience and bring peace.

Free to Explore Yet Close to Home Base

I have fewer ideals about life with #2 (I think). I’m not sure what I’ll require her to share with her sibling (gender TBD) and what I’ll let her keep sacred, but one thing is sure: I don’t expect her to be a “big kid” and stand by as I give her beloved “Cream & Sugar” to our new baby. I can only imagine that experience would become the source of all kinds of competition, jealousy, and rivalry. I’m sure this isn’t true for every family. Some toddlers self-wean when their moms are pregnant or for some other reason. Some moms choose to wean when they find out they’re pregnant, which gives the older child time to adjust before the baby arrives. But since I didn’t wean Katie (and she certainly did not wean herself!), I am more than happy to let her keep her place at the breast while welcoming another latcher-on’er.

Rather than feel replaced, I hope she sees herself as a gentle guide to this new little one. One day she will probably give her baby toys to her sibling. “Because I’m a big girl now,” she will say. One day she will give up nursing. Because despite what people say, she will outgrow that, too. One day.

Whenever she’s ready.
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Breastfeeding past infancy is full of laughter, joys, and heartbreaking tenderness. I am publishing a series of posts dedicated to the beauty of nursing toddlers in an effort to normalize this healthy and beneficial nursing relationship. But this isn’t just about me – I want to hear YOUR joys. If you are nursing a child who is older than one year, please contact me and tell me about your favorite moments. I will include them in the series and credit you, your site, or post it anonymously if you so desire. (This series was formerly called “The Joys of Breastfeeding a Toddler.” I changed the name to reflect the fact that we are celebrating women who breastfeed past infancy, regardless of the age of the nursling.)

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy, Guest Posts, Joys of Breastfeeding a Toddler, Lactivism, Parenting | 41 Comments »

A Corporal Punishment Fallacy

Thursday, August 26th, 2010

There is a “Likey” going around Facebook that says: “I’d rather go to jail for spanking my kids than for them to go because I didn’t.”

Let me clue the clueless in now:

  • Eighty percent of prisoners in the United States were abused as children or raised in violent homes.1
  • The more children are spanked, the more anger they report as adults, the more likely they are to spank their own children, the more likely they are to approve of hitting a spouse, and the more marital conflict they experience as adults.2
  • Spanking has been associated with higher rates of physical aggression, more substance abuse, and increased risk of crime and violence when used with older children and adolescents.3
  • Children who are spanked frequently at age 3 are more likely to be aggressive when they’re 5, even when you account for possible confounding factors. Signs of aggression included behaviors such as arguing or screaming; cruelty, bullying or meanness to others; destroying things; fighting and frequently threatening others. Even minor forms of corporal punishment increase the risk for child aggressive behavior.4
  • Actions causing pain such as spanking can acquire a positive value rather than the intended adversive value. Children who expect pain may actually seek it through escalating misbehaviors.5
  • Spanking is no more effective as a long-term strategy than other approaches, and reliance on spanking as a discipline approach makes other discipline strategies less effective to use.6

Perhaps the Likey should read “I’d rather teach my children there are ways to deal with anger that don’t involve violence, than for my children to be at higher risk of aggression, substance abuse, and a life of crime because I spanked them.”

Photo credit: shadgross

  1. Child Abuse Statistics. And while not all incidences of “spanking” legally qualify as “abuse,” the use of corporal punishment may make the possibility of later abuse more likely. Studies have shown that parents who spank are at risk of escalating the pattern later. Add to this the fact that children who are spanked may actually start to seek pain, which may result in harsher and harsher punishment as misbehavior increases. Perhaps more telling is the fact that approximately 85% of adults expressed moderate to high anger, remorse, and agitation while punishing their children. Striking a child in anger or in an emotionally-charged state means that the adult is less likely to be in control, increasing the chances that the punishment will cross the line into abuse. American Academy of Pediatrics, Guidance for Effective Discipline (see also studies cited in article)
  2. Guidance for Effective Discipline (see also studies cited in article)
  3. Guidance for Effective Discipline (see also studies cited in article)
  4. Tulane Researchers Find Spanking Can Make Children More Aggressive Later; Mothers’ Spanking of 3-Year-Old Children and Subsequent Risk of Children’s Aggressive Behavior
  5. Guidance for Effective Discipline (see also studies cited in article)
  6. Guidance for Effective Discipline (see also studies cited in article)

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Discipline, Parenting | 54 Comments »

Discipline or Misdemeanor?

Monday, August 23rd, 2010

If you hit your dog, it’s known as a “misdemeanor.”

If you hit your neighbor, it’s known as either a “misdemeanor” or a “felony.”

If you hit your child, it’s known as “discipline.”

One hell of a scared dog!

You can’t hit a dog.

Animal cruelty occurs when one strikes or otherwise physically abuses an animal.1

Possible penalties for a first offense of animal cruelty vary from state to state. Fines can run up to $150,000, and jail sentences can last up to 5 years.2

You can’t hit an adult. In fact, you can’t even act like you’re going to hit an adult.

“Battery is defined as an unlawful touching. The touching need not cause physical injury, thus caressing a stranger’s buttocks is an offensive and unlawful touching. A touching may be of the person’s body or items attached to the body, such as a shoulder bag or necktie. Touching may involve either body-to-body contact or may occur through use of an instrumentality, such as a thrown object or a dog ordered to attack the victim.

Assault is defined as either an attempted battery or placing another in apprehension of an imminent battery.”3 In layman’s terms, that means you can’t even act like you’re going to “unlawfully touch” someone.

Possible penalties for a conviction of assault and battery depend on a number of factors, one of which is whether it is a misdemeanor or felony charge. For example, in Georgia, a person convicted on a misdemeanor charge of simple assault faces up to one year in jail and up to $1000 in fines. If it is classified as a “misdemeanor of high and aggravated nature,” the fines go up to $5,000. A felony aggravated battery conviction in Georgia carries a potential prison sentence of 1-20 years.4

But it’s ok to hit your child.

You can’t hit your dog, and you can’t hit your spouse or a stranger on the street, but – by golly – you sure can hit your kid. Many states have laws spelling out how much physical force you can use to “discipline” your child.5

In Arizona, “A parent or guardian and a teacher or other person entrusted with the care and supervision of a minor or incompetent person may use reasonable and appropriate physical force upon the minor or incompetent person when and to the extent reasonably necessary and appropriate to maintain discipline.”6

In Kentucky, just about anyone can hit your child: “The use of physical force by a defendant upon another person is justifiable when the defendant is a parent, guardian, or other person entrusted with the care and supervision of a minor or an incompetent person or when the defendant is a teacher or other person entrusted with the care and supervision of a minor . . .”7

In New Mexico, it isn’t abuse to hurt a child unless the “person knowingly, intentionally or negligently, and without justifiable cause, . . . permit[s] a child to be . . . cruelly punished.”8

Apparently, cruel punishment does not include a mother who slapped a tired, sobbing, and overwhelmed 13-month-old baby in the face. Perhaps the mother had “justifiable cause” because her 13-month-old baby had the audacity to kick her during a flight.

Wait – a kick from a baby gives one justifiable cause to slap a baby in the face?

If you haven’t heard, a mother who slapped her crying 13-month-old baby in the face was reported to the New Mexico authorities by a flight attendant. The mother was released after questioning.

Those black eyes on the baby? Those weren’t from abuse. They were from a “dog bite” that happened several days before.

And the fact that the father told authorities that he and the mother had argued several times in the past about the mother’s tendency to hit her baby? That didn’t matter either.9

Because it’s still ok for parents to hit their children at the parents’ discretion.

That sounds like cruel punishment to me.

With respect to the airplane incident: Let’s set aside the fact that air travel is stressful for children. Let’s set aside the fact that no toddler can be expected to behave perfectly at all times under the best of circumstances. Let’s set aside the ridiculousness of striking a child as punishment for the child having struck someone else. Let’s look only at the fact that we have:

1) a toddler – practically a baby – who weighs, what? Maybe 22 lbs?10 and

2) a full grown woman. The average weight of an adult woman in the United States is 162.9 lbs.

How much force could we reasonably expect a 22 lb baby to put behind a kick (much less in the confined space of an airplane seat)?

Enough force to justify the 162 lb adult to slap the baby in the face?

How is that fair? How is that legal? Why does our country continue to justify the abuse of our children?

So, to review:

  • I can’t hit my dog when he chews on my favorite pair of shoes – I might go to jail.
  • I can’t approach my neighbor with a raised fist after he yells at my child – I might go to jail.

But:

  • I can hit my 13 month old baby when she “intentionally” kicks me during my in-flight movie.
  • I can hit my toddler for coloring on the living room walls. Never mind that I left the pen within her reach.
  • I can hit my child for interrupting my TV show with a question about homework.
  • Basically, I can hit my child whenever I damn well please.

Why should kids have more rights than dogs, anyway?11

Photo credit: Janick Cox

  1. ASPCA, Reporting Cruelty FAQ
  2. Stray Pet Advocacy, Cruelty Laws
  3. Assault and Battery, citing Wayne R. LaFave, Criminal Law, 3rd ed., 2000.
  4. Georgia Assault & Battery Laws
  5. State by State Spanking Laws. Of course the amorphous ways these laws are written means that their interpretation will vary depending on the judge, the lawyers, and the circumstances of each case. What is “reasonable force”? When is force “justifiable”? No one really knows.
  6. Ariz. Rev. Stat. § 13-403
  7. Ken. Rev. Stat. § 503.110
  8. N.M. Stat. Ann. 30-6-1
  9. Sue Major Holmes, “Mom Says She Slapped Baby Who Kicked Her on Flight
  10. A 13-month-old female who weighs 22 lbs is in the 52nd percentile compared to other babies of the same age/gender.
  11. Lest I have not made myself clear, I do not think that an adult is ever justified in hitting a child. Ever.

Posted in Attachment Parenting, Discipline, Parenting | 12 Comments »